Thursday, June 5, 2008
TB4B continues...Shawty Lo is asked to stop the beef...
Honestly, I think this is starting to get childish...
This was a good chance for Shawty Lo to stand up and be the bigger man and make T.I. look like an idiot...
But he denies.
He IS from the hood...the place of the knuckleheads...
If I were him, I'd do the same
Another interview...
Kneel and tell the truth? hummmmm...lol
Once again, I can't wait until Birthday Bash!!
Peace & Blessings
Lu
P.S. I have NOT fallen off...i'll be returning with my life asap...
also remember, hit the Cbox on the right- or my email! any question will get an answer...
any ;-)
Monday, June 2, 2008
Blinded by Pain- Excerpt 3 (( rough rough draft))
I opened my apartment door nervously. This was my first time having Steven in my room, and I didn’t know how he would react. I wasn’t the neatest girl around- though I tried to be. My roommate seemed to be the sloppy one- as always, leaving dirty dishes along with her clothes everywhere, as well as residue from the smoking sessions her and her friends had when they came over.
I let out a sigh of relief when I realized that the apartment was decent, and there was no sign of Ericka. She was probably out doing the usual- getting drunk, high, or laid.
I locked the door as I saw Steven glancing around the apartment.
“I like this little pad you have here.” He smiled at me. “This little bachelorette pad.”
“I wish.” I smiled back. “It’s more than me in here. I live with a girl named Ericka.”
He noticed me rolling my eyes after speaking her name, and he asked why.
“I’ll explain later. I want to remain happy tonight.”
He made his way to the living room and sat down on the couch as I made my way into the kitchen.
“Would you like something to drink?” I asked him as I opened the refrigerator and freezer. My bottle of Bacardi Coconut Rum was staring back at me. Yum Yum…
“Sure, I’ll have some water please.” He replied.
I rolled my eyes. What a good boy, I thought. I’m going to have to bring the bad man out of him. I know it’s in there somewhere…
“I don’t have any water!” I lied. When I wasn’t drinking alcohol, I was drinking water. It kept my skin clear. “Plus, it’s a Friday! Let me play bartender for you tonight!”
There was a slight pause.
“I don’t really drink like that, babes.” I heard him call from the living room.
“What? You don’t drink? Why not?”
“I just never found anything fun or attractive about drinking something that tastes terrible just to get drunk and throw up your dinner. It’s obviously not good for you, which is the reason your body makes you spit it back out.”
“Oh my God, Steven!” I exclaimed. “Lighten up! I didn’t ask you to take shots with me! I asked you to have a drink! I make a delicious rum and coke!”
Another pause.
“Okay, Misses Peer Pressure.” He gave in. “Make one for us- to share!”
“Coming right up, sexy!” I exclaimed. I was happy…oh so happy…I was going to get a little something in his system, and maybe his wall would come right down, and I would get to see the real him, or maybe another side of him. I just couldn’t believe how perfect he seemed to be.
There was no such thing as a perfect man.
I grabbed the rum and poured a good amount into a cup with ice. I then poured some vanilla Coke inside the cup and used another cup to mix it. I poured it from cup to cup to cup until I felt the rum was evenly mixed into the soda. I tasted it.
Delicious…it ran down my throat smoothly, and I felt the slight burn in my stomach. The liquor could not be tasted.
Now it was time to see how he would handle it.
Steven looked away from the television for a split second and caught me smiling ear to ear as I entered the living room.
“Hold on!” He started to smile too, as he raised a finger. “I’m not drinking that! I caught you with that evil grin on your face! You may have put a little something extra in that cup! Uh huh…you’re trying to take advantage of me! Don’t make me call date rape!”
I laughed as I plopped on the couch beside him. I handed him the drink, and he peered inside as if it was poison.
“Where’s yours?” He asked.
“I thought we were sharing?”
“Oh yeah!” He laughed.
“I’ll make mine after you start drinking.”
He looked at me.
“My friends know where I am, girl.” He smirked, then sniffed the drink. “They’ll come looking for me.”
“Boy, ain’t nobody trying to do anything to you!” I sat next to him. “I could get what I wanted from you without you being drunk! Now drink it!”
“Alright, alright- calm down, feisty lady. It will be okay. Shortly you will get me drunk, and you’ll be able to rape me without a fight. You just have to have patience! I know I’m too sexy for you to wait, but…”
I laughed and shoved him playfully.
“Stop playing and drink it!” I was getting impatient. “I want to see how good my bar tending skills are!”
He made an ugly face, and slowly took a sip. A small sip.
His face loosened.
He took another sip of the drink.
His eyes got squinted as he smiled. I loved his slanted eyes.
“This is really good!” He said. “Is there even any liquor in this?”
“Yeah,” I smiled at the compliment. “A little.”
“See, these are the types of drinks I like.” He sat back on the couch. “If I ever drink, I like mixed drinks that are smooth and sweet…not the poison you people be drinking. My friends make fun of me, but whatever. My dinner stays in my stomach at the end of the night and my taste buds love me.”
He was so different.
Ever since I entered college, every guy I met drank. Come to think about it, they were probably drunk when I met them. Drinking was the thing to do in this small college town. It seemed to be the only was to enjoy yourself. Sad, but true.
Yet Steven didn’t drink. This was just another good thing about him that separated him from the rest.
Things were looking too good to be true, but I refused to believe them.
This always happened. It’s a vicious cycle. Women wore make-up to look prettier by covering up the blemishes and enhancing our natural beauty. Men wore make-up that made them look more like Mr. Right- to you. Things are so smooth at first, as smooth as the make up we apply, and then all of a sudden- like the foundation women wore- their make-up started to fade until it was gone forever. By that time, we’re usually too caught up in love with who they used to be to realize who they have become. Then if we do peep the change, we always hoped that some day they would return to the way they were. We love them and do everything in our power hoping that they’ll realize that they should be back who they used to be, but we fail to realize that the person they used to be wasn’t them. It was someone they made up. So they could never go back and become that permanently- it was a temporary thing, like make-up. Once they know they have our hearts, the acting stops. Then as soon as they finally lose you, they apply the make-up back on.
I wish men would stop using this make-up and just get plastic surgery.
Dealing with this was a lose-lose situation, so you just have to make sure you never give them what they’re acting to receive. The longer they act, the happier you seem to be.
I turned on the radio as I went to the kitchen to make my drink. A loud rock station started to blast, and I told Steven to change it. I put my stereo system in the living room, and it really got on my nerves when people touched my things without asking. I would have to have a word with Ericka. She was pushing it…
“Why change it?” Steven shouted from the living room. “I love this song!”
“Wow. Do you really listen to that crap?” I asked as I mixed my drink. I made sure mine would be a little stronger than his.
“Yes!” he shouted. “I love a lot of different kinds of music, ye of the close minded tribe! Open up a little!”
I heard him singing some song about a pretender, and surrender…
It actually had a nice tune, but I just hated the screaming. You couldn’t make out a word being said!
I returned to the living room and saw that his cup was empty. I was surprised.
He was about to be loony tunes.
“Wow, were you thirsty?” I inquired.
“Wow, was I.” He responded as he sang his rock song and played his imaginary guitar. What a goofball.
Yes he looked so cute.
I placed my cup on the coffee table and went to change the station.
“Party pooper!” He yelled as he jumped up and came towards me. “What a kill joy!”
He was going to try to turn the station back, but I seemed to stop him in his tracks when Please Don’t Go by Tyrese was playing on my favorite R&B station.
He started to sing and move his body as if he was the one on the radio.
I admired his moves as he sang.
“Please Don’t gooo…Please don’t goooo…”
He could hold a tune.
Sexy. I should make him serenade me.
He all of a sudden stopped talking and looked as if he was in deep thought.
“You know, I always wondered…” He began as he made his way back to the couch slowly, staggering slightly. “Why is it that men always have these songs about begging a woman to stay, and to forgive them? Women do the same thing that men do, if not worse- yet I haven’t heard one song by a woman asking for forgiveness.”
I sat down next to him, grabbed my drink off the coffee table, and started to sip on it. It burned. Just like I liked it.
“You think women do worse? Please. Men are the most trifling things on the planet!”
“Things?” He gave me this look as if he was shocked. “Things? We can’t even be creatures? Animals? We’re just simplified to things?”
I thought for a second. “Okay, dogs! Dogs describe you well. You eat, sleep, and try to hump anything that moves.”
“So I guess it’s fair for me to call all women dogs at well, huh? Because all the ones I’ve come across are quick to roll over and open their legs for any dog.”
I could see a change in him. The liquor was lowering that wall, violently spraying off the make-up- the true him was coming out. I sat back, and examined. I was ready to see him.
“So I guess you’re basically calling all women bitches then, huh?” I couldn’t help but get defensive. “A female dog is a bitch, correct?”
“No, miss.” He looked me in the eyes. “I would never stoop to that level. Bitch and hoe is not in my vocabulary. I respect women. I just don’t respect the ones that hurt the good brothers, and flock to the bad ones. It makes no sense. I swear I’ll never get the female species!”
“Sounds like a personal problem.” I said, surprised at his response. He doesn’t say bitch or hoe? The men around here will call you both to your face, before and after they try to get your number. Especially after you deny them…
“Why don’t you say those words?” I was curious. “Don’t you believe that there are bitches and hoes around?”
“No, ma'am.” He responded. “I believe there are a lot of women who make mistakes in their life, as well as a lot of women who just aren’t for me. Who am I to call them a female dog, and a garden tool? That’s really not my place.”
“Wow. You’re a good actor.” I blurted out, due none other than to the liquor. I regretted it right after it slipped.
“Actor? What do you mean?” He looked upset. Probably the liquor seeping out onto his actions as well. He drank that drink way too fast. Obviously not an experienced drinker- especially if he didn’t like to get drunk.
“I mean I didn’t mean that, Steven.” I tried to retract my statement, but it was already out there. The stench had already been concocted in my brain, seeped out of my mouth and permeating the room, and like a smell we just had to wait it out. Or leave to escape.
“I think you meant it, ma.” He said. His whole attitude seemed to change. “You said it, so I think you meant it. Drunken words are sober thoughts.”
“I’m not drunk.” I lied.
Well, it wasn’t a complete lie. I was getting there, but I wasn’t drunk. Yet. I had a few more sips to go.
“So you think women are the only ones who get hurt?” He ignored me. “You think all men are out to just hurt women? Just to see how many we can lay down, and leave? It’s a big game to us?”
“Yeah, basically.” I didn’t really mean that, I just haven’t found that one to change my mind. I felt myself getting defensive, and when I got defensive, I got nonchalant. I threw my cares out the window because I didn’t want to set myself up for pain....
“Wow.” He continued to stare into my eyes. “Well I have news for you. I’ve gotten my heart broken to pieces. The smallest pieces, by my ex- girlfriend. I haven’t even gotten all the pieces back together, and it’s been over a year.”
I stared back at him until I was forced to look away. I saw the pain in his eyes, and I didn’t like it. He was serious.
“Do you know what happened to me?” I saw him looking my way out the corner of my eye. “Do you know what I think about every single day?”
“What happened?” I looked at him.
“I had a girlfriend my freshman year. Met her about a month into school, and we seemed to just click. We had so much in common. I loved everything about her, from her smile to her frown. When she looked her best, to when she looked her worst. I fell fast. I adored her. I treated her like my queen, because I felt she didn't deserve anything less. More, if anything!
So, we were together for about a year, and then summer time came. She had to go to summer school, I chose to work at home. Our school was located about two hours away, and I was never good with long distance relationships, but I figured this time things would be different. This time I was in love. So we decided to not let something as simple as distance take away what we had, and we continued the relationship. Things were so amazing up until the point she left. Then things started to go downhill. Fast.
She met new friends and started hanging out with them more, she found a job down there, and then she had classes. So she had to balance her social life, her job, and her school work and somehow fit me inside there.
That was fine with me, I was so understanding. Sometimes I would hardly hear from her all day, and then maybe get a ten minute conversation in with her at night. That was cool I could deal with that. But then I started to feel like she wasn't putting in an effort. She wasn't calling as much, she wasn't texting, I would tell her I loved her and get no response, I couldn't even get ten minutes at the end of the night! There was a time where I didn't hear from her for 24 hours...in a row. She would just apologize and say she was busy. This is when the arguing began.
One day I drove to the school to surprise her with her favorite chocolate and flowers, along with a day with me. I thought it would make her happy, and possibly save our relationship. I cared about our relationship, and didn't want to let her go. At least not without a fight.
I call her the day I was coming, and she doesn't pick up. I text her, and she doesn't respond. I figured she was probably busy or something, and I thought nothing of it. I felt it would make things better, the surprise would be even stronger due to us not speaking.
So I go to her apartment, nervous about what her reaction may be due to the way she was acting lately, and I knock on her door. After a couple minutes, a guy opens the door with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. I nearly drop the flowers and the chocolate to the floor.
He asks me what I wanted, and I look at the apartment number to make sure I'm at the right place.
As I pull out my phone to call her and ask if she moved, she appears to the side of the muscular man in a towel with a surprised look on her face.
You think she was surprised? How do you think I felt?
I can't even get any words out, and she starts to ask what I was doing there. Not a hey, nice to see you, or even a hey, let me explain- just a questionnaire about how I got there, and why I was there! I had no words for her, so I just handed her the chocolates and flowers and left.
As I drove home, two hours may I add, I tried to come up with any excuse that she could use- except for the obvious. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I refused to believe what I saw with my own eyes, and I was down to believe they deceived me if she would just feed me anything- any lie would do. I was down for her lying to me, me believing it, and then we getting past it and working things out. That's all I wanted. Her. Us. That's all I wanted."
He seemed as if he were about to cry, but I saw no tears forming.
"I couldn't understand her logic." He continued. "I had given her everything! What more could she ask for? More attention? I was giving her more attention than I've even given anyone in my life! I cut off my friends for her, family...I just didn't get it. Do you know what she did? She sent me a text. A fucking text. And that's not it. Do you know what it said? The stupid text said Why don't you call next time and not just show up at people's places uninvited. Learn some respect. I don't think we're working out. It's over. That's what it said. Verbatim. I couldn't help but learn it by heart because I read it over and over hoping that somehow, some way the text would magically change, or I'd see a jk at the end. Something. Anything that will tell me that we weren't over. Anything."
He stopped and took a breath. He was talking so fast, trying to get everything out that he wasn't even breathing. It was like he was throwing up, throwing up his past. His vile, ugly, painful past.
“And then it didn’t end there. One day when the school year actually started, I saw them together. Yes, I’d seen them together before- hugged up, kissing, holding hands- doing what we used to do until she just didn’t want to do that anymore. But this time was different. I was walking to my car in the main parking lot, and I saw him screaming in her face. Just yelling and screaming, loose spit getting in her face. She was just sitting there. Taking it. Letting him yell and scream in her face, curse in her face. I tried to keep walking to my car, because it wasn’t my business. She wasn’t my issue anymore- due to her. I tried to ignore it. But I lost it when I saw him yank open the door to his car and try to shove her in. That’s when she started to fight back. She refused to get into the car, and he was trying to use force to get her in. She started to scream and fight. I couldn’t take it anymore. I walked up…” His voice trailed off as if it hurt talking about an issue as such.
The pain in his voice was evident. The darkness of his past was coming to the light, even though he was trying his hardest to keep it covered. It wasn’t working too well.
He was opening up.
So far, not a bad thing.
“What happened when you went up to them?” I asked. I was tuned into him as if he were a book, and I had reached the climax and couldn’t put it down…
I don’t think I could put him down.
“Well,” He sighed as he began. “I hate talking about this, so feel special. I don’t talk to people about this…this part of my life. I spend every day trying to forget it, yet every day it resurfaces in my brain- as if my thoughts are stained. It’s crazy.”
I loved the way he spoke as if he were a writer. It was like he painted pictures with his words. His words held the wait of an anchor, the power to hold you, yet the reasoning behind his words seemed to only be holding him down.
I was beginning to like him more than I did before. I didn’t like this.
“I walked up,” He continued; I tuned in. “And I’ll never forget the look on her face. Her expression was painted with embarrassment, confusion, gratefulness, and regret all together. The looked happy to see me, yet disappointed at the same time. Her man looked into her eyes and saw that there was someone there, so he turned around and saw it was me. I’ll never forget that smirk. His face held that ‘what the hell do you think you’re going to do?’ look. I wanted to talk to him about it, but I couldn’t control myself. He was hurting a woman I loved- just because he felt he took. So I took matters into my own hands.”
He paused again.
“I didn’t give him a chance to speak. I just grabbed him by his shirt, pushed him away from her, and slammed him on the hood of his car. He seemed stunned. I then looked him into his eyes and told him that I better not ever see him putting his hands on another woman, especially my woman. I felt like it wasn’t even me speaking to him. It was the fury.”
I was turned on by the fact that he could stand up for himself, but even more- somebody he cared for.
“He tried to struggle out of my grip, but I had a firm hold on him. Something I leaved from my step-father. If he moved, it would hurt him, so he just relaxed and agreed to stop. I made sure he meant what he was saying, and let him go.
I looked back at my ex as I walked to me car, and she had this look on her face that gave me chills. She was looking at me the same way she looked at me the first time she saw me. She looked as if she wanted me, as if I was meant for her. And for a split second, I wanted to play a movie roll and scoop her into my arms and bring her to my car and drive her away from that maniac.
Then I remembered that life wasn’t a movie…no matter how hard we try to change the scripts we’re given.”
I let that sink in before I responded. He was so true. We tend to only see what we want to see, only the good- especially when we’re in a relationship- instead of seeing what’s real. There was nothing Hollywood about life but the movies we saw. Happy endings were only present at the end of good sex, and that was also the beginning of troubles. I remembered when I used to think my life was such a fairy tale, or some sort of dream. Boy, was I woken up.
“Did you guys ever talk after that?” I asked him. “Did you ever try to get things back to how they were?”
“She tried. She sent me messages, called, wrote me, texted me, did what seemed like everything she could do to get me back. Telling me how much she loved me, saying how much of a mistake she made for leaving me, and how she wanted me back and she could show me how good she could treat me. She offered me dinner, clothes, sex, you name it. She tried hard. But I refused.”
“Were you with somebody else?”
“No, I couldn’t be with somebody else. I wasn’t myself, so why would I try to be with another girl. I couldn’t even be with the one I wanted to be with!”
“So you just rejected her?”
“Yep. I couldn’t go back to that. For what? To set myself up for the okey doke- once again? I couldn’t take that pain again. Ever. And pretty soon, she was back with the guy she was trying to leave for me. That’s when I just laughed at her, and laughed at any female who would do the same. She was a joke. A Comedian.”
“A hoe.” I added. “A bitch.”
“No, a mistake.” He corrected me. “A learning experience.”
I stared at him as he just looked down at his hands. He seemed so lost in the pain, so deep that nothing could pull him out.
I wanted to try and pull him out.
But what if me trying to pull him out cased me to get pulled in?
Was I willing to take that chance?
“Wow, I’m so sorry for ranting and venting to you.” He apologized. “You said you wanted to remain happy…I’m taking away your happiness. I’m so sorry.”
To be continued...
I let out a sigh of relief when I realized that the apartment was decent, and there was no sign of Ericka. She was probably out doing the usual- getting drunk, high, or laid.
I locked the door as I saw Steven glancing around the apartment.
“I like this little pad you have here.” He smiled at me. “This little bachelorette pad.”
“I wish.” I smiled back. “It’s more than me in here. I live with a girl named Ericka.”
He noticed me rolling my eyes after speaking her name, and he asked why.
“I’ll explain later. I want to remain happy tonight.”
He made his way to the living room and sat down on the couch as I made my way into the kitchen.
“Would you like something to drink?” I asked him as I opened the refrigerator and freezer. My bottle of Bacardi Coconut Rum was staring back at me. Yum Yum…
“Sure, I’ll have some water please.” He replied.
I rolled my eyes. What a good boy, I thought. I’m going to have to bring the bad man out of him. I know it’s in there somewhere…
“I don’t have any water!” I lied. When I wasn’t drinking alcohol, I was drinking water. It kept my skin clear. “Plus, it’s a Friday! Let me play bartender for you tonight!”
There was a slight pause.
“I don’t really drink like that, babes.” I heard him call from the living room.
“What? You don’t drink? Why not?”
“I just never found anything fun or attractive about drinking something that tastes terrible just to get drunk and throw up your dinner. It’s obviously not good for you, which is the reason your body makes you spit it back out.”
“Oh my God, Steven!” I exclaimed. “Lighten up! I didn’t ask you to take shots with me! I asked you to have a drink! I make a delicious rum and coke!”
Another pause.
“Okay, Misses Peer Pressure.” He gave in. “Make one for us- to share!”
“Coming right up, sexy!” I exclaimed. I was happy…oh so happy…I was going to get a little something in his system, and maybe his wall would come right down, and I would get to see the real him, or maybe another side of him. I just couldn’t believe how perfect he seemed to be.
There was no such thing as a perfect man.
I grabbed the rum and poured a good amount into a cup with ice. I then poured some vanilla Coke inside the cup and used another cup to mix it. I poured it from cup to cup to cup until I felt the rum was evenly mixed into the soda. I tasted it.
Delicious…it ran down my throat smoothly, and I felt the slight burn in my stomach. The liquor could not be tasted.
Now it was time to see how he would handle it.
Steven looked away from the television for a split second and caught me smiling ear to ear as I entered the living room.
“Hold on!” He started to smile too, as he raised a finger. “I’m not drinking that! I caught you with that evil grin on your face! You may have put a little something extra in that cup! Uh huh…you’re trying to take advantage of me! Don’t make me call date rape!”
I laughed as I plopped on the couch beside him. I handed him the drink, and he peered inside as if it was poison.
“Where’s yours?” He asked.
“I thought we were sharing?”
“Oh yeah!” He laughed.
“I’ll make mine after you start drinking.”
He looked at me.
“My friends know where I am, girl.” He smirked, then sniffed the drink. “They’ll come looking for me.”
“Boy, ain’t nobody trying to do anything to you!” I sat next to him. “I could get what I wanted from you without you being drunk! Now drink it!”
“Alright, alright- calm down, feisty lady. It will be okay. Shortly you will get me drunk, and you’ll be able to rape me without a fight. You just have to have patience! I know I’m too sexy for you to wait, but…”
I laughed and shoved him playfully.
“Stop playing and drink it!” I was getting impatient. “I want to see how good my bar tending skills are!”
He made an ugly face, and slowly took a sip. A small sip.
His face loosened.
He took another sip of the drink.
His eyes got squinted as he smiled. I loved his slanted eyes.
“This is really good!” He said. “Is there even any liquor in this?”
“Yeah,” I smiled at the compliment. “A little.”
“See, these are the types of drinks I like.” He sat back on the couch. “If I ever drink, I like mixed drinks that are smooth and sweet…not the poison you people be drinking. My friends make fun of me, but whatever. My dinner stays in my stomach at the end of the night and my taste buds love me.”
He was so different.
Ever since I entered college, every guy I met drank. Come to think about it, they were probably drunk when I met them. Drinking was the thing to do in this small college town. It seemed to be the only was to enjoy yourself. Sad, but true.
Yet Steven didn’t drink. This was just another good thing about him that separated him from the rest.
Things were looking too good to be true, but I refused to believe them.
This always happened. It’s a vicious cycle. Women wore make-up to look prettier by covering up the blemishes and enhancing our natural beauty. Men wore make-up that made them look more like Mr. Right- to you. Things are so smooth at first, as smooth as the make up we apply, and then all of a sudden- like the foundation women wore- their make-up started to fade until it was gone forever. By that time, we’re usually too caught up in love with who they used to be to realize who they have become. Then if we do peep the change, we always hoped that some day they would return to the way they were. We love them and do everything in our power hoping that they’ll realize that they should be back who they used to be, but we fail to realize that the person they used to be wasn’t them. It was someone they made up. So they could never go back and become that permanently- it was a temporary thing, like make-up. Once they know they have our hearts, the acting stops. Then as soon as they finally lose you, they apply the make-up back on.
I wish men would stop using this make-up and just get plastic surgery.
Dealing with this was a lose-lose situation, so you just have to make sure you never give them what they’re acting to receive. The longer they act, the happier you seem to be.
I turned on the radio as I went to the kitchen to make my drink. A loud rock station started to blast, and I told Steven to change it. I put my stereo system in the living room, and it really got on my nerves when people touched my things without asking. I would have to have a word with Ericka. She was pushing it…
“Why change it?” Steven shouted from the living room. “I love this song!”
“Wow. Do you really listen to that crap?” I asked as I mixed my drink. I made sure mine would be a little stronger than his.
“Yes!” he shouted. “I love a lot of different kinds of music, ye of the close minded tribe! Open up a little!”
I heard him singing some song about a pretender, and surrender…
It actually had a nice tune, but I just hated the screaming. You couldn’t make out a word being said!
I returned to the living room and saw that his cup was empty. I was surprised.
He was about to be loony tunes.
“Wow, were you thirsty?” I inquired.
“Wow, was I.” He responded as he sang his rock song and played his imaginary guitar. What a goofball.
Yes he looked so cute.
I placed my cup on the coffee table and went to change the station.
“Party pooper!” He yelled as he jumped up and came towards me. “What a kill joy!”
He was going to try to turn the station back, but I seemed to stop him in his tracks when Please Don’t Go by Tyrese was playing on my favorite R&B station.
He started to sing and move his body as if he was the one on the radio.
I admired his moves as he sang.
“Please Don’t gooo…Please don’t goooo…”
He could hold a tune.
Sexy. I should make him serenade me.
He all of a sudden stopped talking and looked as if he was in deep thought.
“You know, I always wondered…” He began as he made his way back to the couch slowly, staggering slightly. “Why is it that men always have these songs about begging a woman to stay, and to forgive them? Women do the same thing that men do, if not worse- yet I haven’t heard one song by a woman asking for forgiveness.”
I sat down next to him, grabbed my drink off the coffee table, and started to sip on it. It burned. Just like I liked it.
“You think women do worse? Please. Men are the most trifling things on the planet!”
“Things?” He gave me this look as if he was shocked. “Things? We can’t even be creatures? Animals? We’re just simplified to things?”
I thought for a second. “Okay, dogs! Dogs describe you well. You eat, sleep, and try to hump anything that moves.”
“So I guess it’s fair for me to call all women dogs at well, huh? Because all the ones I’ve come across are quick to roll over and open their legs for any dog.”
I could see a change in him. The liquor was lowering that wall, violently spraying off the make-up- the true him was coming out. I sat back, and examined. I was ready to see him.
“So I guess you’re basically calling all women bitches then, huh?” I couldn’t help but get defensive. “A female dog is a bitch, correct?”
“No, miss.” He looked me in the eyes. “I would never stoop to that level. Bitch and hoe is not in my vocabulary. I respect women. I just don’t respect the ones that hurt the good brothers, and flock to the bad ones. It makes no sense. I swear I’ll never get the female species!”
“Sounds like a personal problem.” I said, surprised at his response. He doesn’t say bitch or hoe? The men around here will call you both to your face, before and after they try to get your number. Especially after you deny them…
“Why don’t you say those words?” I was curious. “Don’t you believe that there are bitches and hoes around?”
“No, ma'am.” He responded. “I believe there are a lot of women who make mistakes in their life, as well as a lot of women who just aren’t for me. Who am I to call them a female dog, and a garden tool? That’s really not my place.”
“Wow. You’re a good actor.” I blurted out, due none other than to the liquor. I regretted it right after it slipped.
“Actor? What do you mean?” He looked upset. Probably the liquor seeping out onto his actions as well. He drank that drink way too fast. Obviously not an experienced drinker- especially if he didn’t like to get drunk.
“I mean I didn’t mean that, Steven.” I tried to retract my statement, but it was already out there. The stench had already been concocted in my brain, seeped out of my mouth and permeating the room, and like a smell we just had to wait it out. Or leave to escape.
“I think you meant it, ma.” He said. His whole attitude seemed to change. “You said it, so I think you meant it. Drunken words are sober thoughts.”
“I’m not drunk.” I lied.
Well, it wasn’t a complete lie. I was getting there, but I wasn’t drunk. Yet. I had a few more sips to go.
“So you think women are the only ones who get hurt?” He ignored me. “You think all men are out to just hurt women? Just to see how many we can lay down, and leave? It’s a big game to us?”
“Yeah, basically.” I didn’t really mean that, I just haven’t found that one to change my mind. I felt myself getting defensive, and when I got defensive, I got nonchalant. I threw my cares out the window because I didn’t want to set myself up for pain....
“Wow.” He continued to stare into my eyes. “Well I have news for you. I’ve gotten my heart broken to pieces. The smallest pieces, by my ex- girlfriend. I haven’t even gotten all the pieces back together, and it’s been over a year.”
I stared back at him until I was forced to look away. I saw the pain in his eyes, and I didn’t like it. He was serious.
“Do you know what happened to me?” I saw him looking my way out the corner of my eye. “Do you know what I think about every single day?”
“What happened?” I looked at him.
“I had a girlfriend my freshman year. Met her about a month into school, and we seemed to just click. We had so much in common. I loved everything about her, from her smile to her frown. When she looked her best, to when she looked her worst. I fell fast. I adored her. I treated her like my queen, because I felt she didn't deserve anything less. More, if anything!
So, we were together for about a year, and then summer time came. She had to go to summer school, I chose to work at home. Our school was located about two hours away, and I was never good with long distance relationships, but I figured this time things would be different. This time I was in love. So we decided to not let something as simple as distance take away what we had, and we continued the relationship. Things were so amazing up until the point she left. Then things started to go downhill. Fast.
She met new friends and started hanging out with them more, she found a job down there, and then she had classes. So she had to balance her social life, her job, and her school work and somehow fit me inside there.
That was fine with me, I was so understanding. Sometimes I would hardly hear from her all day, and then maybe get a ten minute conversation in with her at night. That was cool I could deal with that. But then I started to feel like she wasn't putting in an effort. She wasn't calling as much, she wasn't texting, I would tell her I loved her and get no response, I couldn't even get ten minutes at the end of the night! There was a time where I didn't hear from her for 24 hours...in a row. She would just apologize and say she was busy. This is when the arguing began.
One day I drove to the school to surprise her with her favorite chocolate and flowers, along with a day with me. I thought it would make her happy, and possibly save our relationship. I cared about our relationship, and didn't want to let her go. At least not without a fight.
I call her the day I was coming, and she doesn't pick up. I text her, and she doesn't respond. I figured she was probably busy or something, and I thought nothing of it. I felt it would make things better, the surprise would be even stronger due to us not speaking.
So I go to her apartment, nervous about what her reaction may be due to the way she was acting lately, and I knock on her door. After a couple minutes, a guy opens the door with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. I nearly drop the flowers and the chocolate to the floor.
He asks me what I wanted, and I look at the apartment number to make sure I'm at the right place.
As I pull out my phone to call her and ask if she moved, she appears to the side of the muscular man in a towel with a surprised look on her face.
You think she was surprised? How do you think I felt?
I can't even get any words out, and she starts to ask what I was doing there. Not a hey, nice to see you, or even a hey, let me explain- just a questionnaire about how I got there, and why I was there! I had no words for her, so I just handed her the chocolates and flowers and left.
As I drove home, two hours may I add, I tried to come up with any excuse that she could use- except for the obvious. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I refused to believe what I saw with my own eyes, and I was down to believe they deceived me if she would just feed me anything- any lie would do. I was down for her lying to me, me believing it, and then we getting past it and working things out. That's all I wanted. Her. Us. That's all I wanted."
He seemed as if he were about to cry, but I saw no tears forming.
"I couldn't understand her logic." He continued. "I had given her everything! What more could she ask for? More attention? I was giving her more attention than I've even given anyone in my life! I cut off my friends for her, family...I just didn't get it. Do you know what she did? She sent me a text. A fucking text. And that's not it. Do you know what it said? The stupid text said Why don't you call next time and not just show up at people's places uninvited. Learn some respect. I don't think we're working out. It's over. That's what it said. Verbatim. I couldn't help but learn it by heart because I read it over and over hoping that somehow, some way the text would magically change, or I'd see a jk at the end. Something. Anything that will tell me that we weren't over. Anything."
He stopped and took a breath. He was talking so fast, trying to get everything out that he wasn't even breathing. It was like he was throwing up, throwing up his past. His vile, ugly, painful past.
“And then it didn’t end there. One day when the school year actually started, I saw them together. Yes, I’d seen them together before- hugged up, kissing, holding hands- doing what we used to do until she just didn’t want to do that anymore. But this time was different. I was walking to my car in the main parking lot, and I saw him screaming in her face. Just yelling and screaming, loose spit getting in her face. She was just sitting there. Taking it. Letting him yell and scream in her face, curse in her face. I tried to keep walking to my car, because it wasn’t my business. She wasn’t my issue anymore- due to her. I tried to ignore it. But I lost it when I saw him yank open the door to his car and try to shove her in. That’s when she started to fight back. She refused to get into the car, and he was trying to use force to get her in. She started to scream and fight. I couldn’t take it anymore. I walked up…” His voice trailed off as if it hurt talking about an issue as such.
The pain in his voice was evident. The darkness of his past was coming to the light, even though he was trying his hardest to keep it covered. It wasn’t working too well.
He was opening up.
So far, not a bad thing.
“What happened when you went up to them?” I asked. I was tuned into him as if he were a book, and I had reached the climax and couldn’t put it down…
I don’t think I could put him down.
“Well,” He sighed as he began. “I hate talking about this, so feel special. I don’t talk to people about this…this part of my life. I spend every day trying to forget it, yet every day it resurfaces in my brain- as if my thoughts are stained. It’s crazy.”
I loved the way he spoke as if he were a writer. It was like he painted pictures with his words. His words held the wait of an anchor, the power to hold you, yet the reasoning behind his words seemed to only be holding him down.
I was beginning to like him more than I did before. I didn’t like this.
“I walked up,” He continued; I tuned in. “And I’ll never forget the look on her face. Her expression was painted with embarrassment, confusion, gratefulness, and regret all together. The looked happy to see me, yet disappointed at the same time. Her man looked into her eyes and saw that there was someone there, so he turned around and saw it was me. I’ll never forget that smirk. His face held that ‘what the hell do you think you’re going to do?’ look. I wanted to talk to him about it, but I couldn’t control myself. He was hurting a woman I loved- just because he felt he took. So I took matters into my own hands.”
He paused again.
“I didn’t give him a chance to speak. I just grabbed him by his shirt, pushed him away from her, and slammed him on the hood of his car. He seemed stunned. I then looked him into his eyes and told him that I better not ever see him putting his hands on another woman, especially my woman. I felt like it wasn’t even me speaking to him. It was the fury.”
I was turned on by the fact that he could stand up for himself, but even more- somebody he cared for.
“He tried to struggle out of my grip, but I had a firm hold on him. Something I leaved from my step-father. If he moved, it would hurt him, so he just relaxed and agreed to stop. I made sure he meant what he was saying, and let him go.
I looked back at my ex as I walked to me car, and she had this look on her face that gave me chills. She was looking at me the same way she looked at me the first time she saw me. She looked as if she wanted me, as if I was meant for her. And for a split second, I wanted to play a movie roll and scoop her into my arms and bring her to my car and drive her away from that maniac.
Then I remembered that life wasn’t a movie…no matter how hard we try to change the scripts we’re given.”
I let that sink in before I responded. He was so true. We tend to only see what we want to see, only the good- especially when we’re in a relationship- instead of seeing what’s real. There was nothing Hollywood about life but the movies we saw. Happy endings were only present at the end of good sex, and that was also the beginning of troubles. I remembered when I used to think my life was such a fairy tale, or some sort of dream. Boy, was I woken up.
“Did you guys ever talk after that?” I asked him. “Did you ever try to get things back to how they were?”
“She tried. She sent me messages, called, wrote me, texted me, did what seemed like everything she could do to get me back. Telling me how much she loved me, saying how much of a mistake she made for leaving me, and how she wanted me back and she could show me how good she could treat me. She offered me dinner, clothes, sex, you name it. She tried hard. But I refused.”
“Were you with somebody else?”
“No, I couldn’t be with somebody else. I wasn’t myself, so why would I try to be with another girl. I couldn’t even be with the one I wanted to be with!”
“So you just rejected her?”
“Yep. I couldn’t go back to that. For what? To set myself up for the okey doke- once again? I couldn’t take that pain again. Ever. And pretty soon, she was back with the guy she was trying to leave for me. That’s when I just laughed at her, and laughed at any female who would do the same. She was a joke. A Comedian.”
“A hoe.” I added. “A bitch.”
“No, a mistake.” He corrected me. “A learning experience.”
I stared at him as he just looked down at his hands. He seemed so lost in the pain, so deep that nothing could pull him out.
I wanted to try and pull him out.
But what if me trying to pull him out cased me to get pulled in?
Was I willing to take that chance?
“Wow, I’m so sorry for ranting and venting to you.” He apologized. “You said you wanted to remain happy…I’m taking away your happiness. I’m so sorry.”
To be continued...
Blinded by Pain- Excerpt 2
I let those words rest on my chest as we continued to talk, eat, and drink.
Blinded by love? Could it be true? Does love blind you? It made sense, but I didn’t want to believe it.
She told me about this guy, her fiancée, and the love they shared that made me so jealous. It sounded a lot like how Sean and I began- the complete opposite of how we were now.
There was a lot I didn’t tell Alicia; things that I doubted I would ever tell her because I knew how she was. I kept to myself how he used to slap me occasionally if I ever made him mad. Not for little things, but big things like not calling him back, or raising my voice to him. These were things that I knew better than to do, but I slipped up sometimes. He always held me and told me he loved me after, and I believed him. He wouldn’t hit me if I didn’t make him angry.
I didn’t tell her about how I let him drive my car, and he crashed it into a mailbox. I knew my parents would flip if they ever found out I let anybody drive my car, especially him, so I took the blame and got into so much trouble. I had to pay for the damages and live without a car for months! All because I loved him.
If Alicia ever found out any of this, it would be hunting season. I really didn’t want her getting that involved.
We wrapped it up- the food and the conversation, and hugged. I knew it would be about a month before I saw her again.
“Think about what I said.” Alicia said to me as we walked out to our cars.
“I will, doll.” I was already thinking about it, so she had no reason to fear. These thoughts weren’t going anywhere. They would dwell in my mind until I came up with a conclusion on what to do with the relationship. “Thanks.”
She hopped in her pink beetle and sped off, forcing people walking to Pj’s to stop. She honked her horn and was gone with the wind. She was so funny.
The thoughts followed me to my car.
I had to see him; I had to talk to him.
Something needed to be done- I couldn’t take this pain any longer.
I sat in my car and called him. It rang, and rang.
No answer.
I sat back, started to softly hit my phone against the steering wheel. What was he doing? I haven’t heard from him in three days! He would send little texts asking what I was doing, small talk, then disappear all over again. Was he avoiding me? I called again. It rang, and rang.
No answer.
Forget it. I realized I had no more pride. He took it all away. I gave him all of me, so when he was gone, I felt like I was nothing. Why was he doing this? I couldn’t take it anymore.
I called again.
It rang, and rang, and
-answer!
“Hello?” His voice sent chills through my body. My mouth was open, but nothing could come out. Love? Or blindness?
Of course. I wasn’t blind. I loved him.
And he loved me.
If he didn’t, he wouldn’t have picked up the phone, right?
“Hello?” he repeated.
“Hi, baby.”
“Wassup, Sasha.”
“Nothing,” I paused. How was I going to tell him? What would I say? “I want to see you. We have to talk.”
“About?” he seemed annoyed already. There was an echo in his voice like he was in a bathroom.
“Some things, Sean.” I was now getting annoyed. “Is it a problem that I want to see you?”
“No, no no, Sasha. I want to see you too. I’m out with some friends right now, so after that, I’ll stop by.”
I paused. Something wasn’t right.
“Are you with a girl?” I asked. He was driving me crazy!
“What?” I could tell Sean was pissed by the sound of his voice. I braced myself. “What do you mean am I with a girl? You think I’m cheating? You know what, I don’t have time for this. You’re not going to ruin my night, Sasha. I’ll talk to you later.”
He hung up the phone. I was used to it by then; he was always hanging up the phone on me when he didn’t want to talk. Why did he always get so defensive? Maybe it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have questioned him about something so stupid. I trust him!
Or do I?
I needed to relax, and if I went home I couldn’t do it. Where could I go?
The park? No, too late at night for that. Who knows who’s going to be in there waiting for some hurt girl with no sense to be walking around in the park?
I drove around and thought about where I could go to ease my mind. I was driving for about ten minutes when I saw the China Sing Town, a restaurant that Sean and I used to go to just spend time with each other and eat fried ice cream. I still remember the first time I tried fried ice cream like it was yesterday. He told me his mother used to bring him to this restaurant when he was young, and he loved to get the fried ice cream, nothing else. I was hesitant (come on! Fried ICE CREAM? Is just sounds nasty!), but I knew it would make him happy because it was special to him, so I ordered some. It was weird at first, but it turned out to be delicious. Ever since then, we would always go there to hold hands, make-out, and eat fried ice cream. That was one of the special things he did for me, but didn’t do anymore.
I decided to do it for myself. I was sure I could sit there and think about what I needed to say to him, and how I would say it. Some things just needed to be changed. He couldn’t get mad at that, could he? Not if he wanted to stay with me.
I parked in front of the Chinese restaurant, noticing a few cars surrounding mine. The restaurant was opened late, which I considered a good idea- I mean, it was good to Sean and I. We used to sneak out of the house in the middle of the night and walk there. It took a long time, but the time passed like seconds. That’s what love does to you.
One of the cars I noticed was a black Jeep, much like the one Sean had. Everybody had a Jeep in Georgia, though so I wasn’t stirred. It was a teenage favorite, a great graduation gift from the parents- as Sean got. I had to work for my little 2000 Cavalier I drive around.
I stared at the Jeep. It looked too much like the one Sean had. It was starting to bother me.
‘Leave it alone, Sasha.’ I told myself. ‘Everybody has a Jeep. It isn’t his.’
I knew he wouldn’t bring his boys here anyway. They were probably at somebody’s house drinking and smoking, carrying on, acting stupid- doing things that took away from his time with me. But what if he wasn’t with his boys?
It was something about that Jeep. Why couldn’t I ever go anywhere, nor do anything without thinking about him, or seeing something that reminded me of him?
I turned the car off, got out and started walking to the restaurant, getting nervous every step. Something wasn’t right.
I shouldn’t have walked inside.
To this day I regret it.
I didn’t even get past the door when I saw Sean sitting at a table across from the entrance, passionately kissing some girl. My legs almost gave out.
“May I help you?” The little China-woman hostess asked. I hardly noticed her. I looked past her, focused on the table on the other side of the restaurant, where my heart lay getting crushed.
I blinked my eyes to be sure it was him. It couldn’t be him.
It was him.
He was sitting there, kissing some girl- some light skinned bitch with long straight brown hair. They were eating each other’s faces, their fried ice cream in front of them melting.
That’s what really hurt me. Of all the things he could have gotten, he got the fried ice cream- the thing that he ate with his mother; the treat that he shared with me. Just wasting, melting away like my heart.
Pouring down the side of the cup like my tears.
If I knew every word in the dictionary and thesaurus I couldn’t even use those words to express how I felt.
I felt crushed. I felt like nothing. I gave him all of me and he threw it away. I was heart broken. My heart was actually so broken that I felt the physical pain. I felt weak. He was my supply of strength, and now it was all gone. I was so weak I couldn’t hold back the sobs, or the tears. So weak I couldn’t even walk over there. So weak I couldn’t even talk. I wanted to pull my eyes away but I couldn’t. I wanted to stop looking SO BAD, but I was too weak to look away. It was my punishment for being so weak, so blind. I had to sit there and witness the man I loved, making out and flirting with some girl. She must have tasted good, because they weren’t even stopping for air. He didn’t even kiss me that way! It seemed like they were so happy. I was sick to my stomach.
Why couldn’t I make him happy? Was I not good enough for him?
“Ma’am, would you like a seat? Is something wrong?” the hostess broke me out of my trance. One day I would thank her. Right now, I had to get out.
I turned and walked out of the restaurant.
I couldn’t even see straight. I saw my car, I saw his car, and I saw the floor. I fell to the floor as my legs gave out. It was like a pulsing pain, from bad to worse, to worst. I couldn’t let this knock me down though; he wasn’t going to have me dragging my body across the parking lot. I had to get up.
I stood up slowly and walked to my car, trying not to see his Jeep- the Jeep that couldn’t be his. This wasn’t real, it was all a dream- a nightmare. I got into my car, turned it on, and let the engine run. I couldn’t believe this. I had to leave. I pulled out of the driveway like a madwoman. As I neared the exit, I realized that my mother was right. My other friends were right. Alicia was right. I was blind. I was stumped. Love had me tripping.
And now what? Love has me crying, moping, sobbing- going crazy in my car. Why?
The sadness all of a sudden turned to anger.
Was I really going to let this nigga get away with this shit?
I couldn’t.
Monica’s ‘So gone’ video appeared in my head as I reversed my car. I wasn’t going to let him get away with this. I parked my car right next to his, and walked over to the restaurant. They kept big stones in front of the restaurant as ‘decoration’. I, on the other hand, was going to give Sean one as a present.
I picked up a nice sized stone and walked over to the jeep. I held the rock high over my head, and thought about the times we shared in his car. We drove places, we blasted music, we talked, fell asleep… He was so happy when he got the Jeep. I knew how much it would anger him if he came outside after his perfect night with this girl and discovered his Jeep had been busted into.
I held the stone up higher, and remembered how he called me when he got the Jeep. I was the first person he called, and he was so excited. We were both excited at the fact that I wouldn’t have to be driving him around everywhere anymore. He could actually pick me up- drive his own car!
I let the stone drop to the ground. I couldn’t do it. I loved him, and even though he hurt me, I couldn’t hurt him. I hopped into my car and sped off into the night, the tears flowing, wetting my shirt. What was I going to do?
By Lucius McCall
Blinded by love? Could it be true? Does love blind you? It made sense, but I didn’t want to believe it.
She told me about this guy, her fiancée, and the love they shared that made me so jealous. It sounded a lot like how Sean and I began- the complete opposite of how we were now.
There was a lot I didn’t tell Alicia; things that I doubted I would ever tell her because I knew how she was. I kept to myself how he used to slap me occasionally if I ever made him mad. Not for little things, but big things like not calling him back, or raising my voice to him. These were things that I knew better than to do, but I slipped up sometimes. He always held me and told me he loved me after, and I believed him. He wouldn’t hit me if I didn’t make him angry.
I didn’t tell her about how I let him drive my car, and he crashed it into a mailbox. I knew my parents would flip if they ever found out I let anybody drive my car, especially him, so I took the blame and got into so much trouble. I had to pay for the damages and live without a car for months! All because I loved him.
If Alicia ever found out any of this, it would be hunting season. I really didn’t want her getting that involved.
We wrapped it up- the food and the conversation, and hugged. I knew it would be about a month before I saw her again.
“Think about what I said.” Alicia said to me as we walked out to our cars.
“I will, doll.” I was already thinking about it, so she had no reason to fear. These thoughts weren’t going anywhere. They would dwell in my mind until I came up with a conclusion on what to do with the relationship. “Thanks.”
She hopped in her pink beetle and sped off, forcing people walking to Pj’s to stop. She honked her horn and was gone with the wind. She was so funny.
The thoughts followed me to my car.
I had to see him; I had to talk to him.
Something needed to be done- I couldn’t take this pain any longer.
I sat in my car and called him. It rang, and rang.
No answer.
I sat back, started to softly hit my phone against the steering wheel. What was he doing? I haven’t heard from him in three days! He would send little texts asking what I was doing, small talk, then disappear all over again. Was he avoiding me? I called again. It rang, and rang.
No answer.
Forget it. I realized I had no more pride. He took it all away. I gave him all of me, so when he was gone, I felt like I was nothing. Why was he doing this? I couldn’t take it anymore.
I called again.
It rang, and rang, and
-answer!
“Hello?” His voice sent chills through my body. My mouth was open, but nothing could come out. Love? Or blindness?
Of course. I wasn’t blind. I loved him.
And he loved me.
If he didn’t, he wouldn’t have picked up the phone, right?
“Hello?” he repeated.
“Hi, baby.”
“Wassup, Sasha.”
“Nothing,” I paused. How was I going to tell him? What would I say? “I want to see you. We have to talk.”
“About?” he seemed annoyed already. There was an echo in his voice like he was in a bathroom.
“Some things, Sean.” I was now getting annoyed. “Is it a problem that I want to see you?”
“No, no no, Sasha. I want to see you too. I’m out with some friends right now, so after that, I’ll stop by.”
I paused. Something wasn’t right.
“Are you with a girl?” I asked. He was driving me crazy!
“What?” I could tell Sean was pissed by the sound of his voice. I braced myself. “What do you mean am I with a girl? You think I’m cheating? You know what, I don’t have time for this. You’re not going to ruin my night, Sasha. I’ll talk to you later.”
He hung up the phone. I was used to it by then; he was always hanging up the phone on me when he didn’t want to talk. Why did he always get so defensive? Maybe it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have questioned him about something so stupid. I trust him!
Or do I?
I needed to relax, and if I went home I couldn’t do it. Where could I go?
The park? No, too late at night for that. Who knows who’s going to be in there waiting for some hurt girl with no sense to be walking around in the park?
I drove around and thought about where I could go to ease my mind. I was driving for about ten minutes when I saw the China Sing Town, a restaurant that Sean and I used to go to just spend time with each other and eat fried ice cream. I still remember the first time I tried fried ice cream like it was yesterday. He told me his mother used to bring him to this restaurant when he was young, and he loved to get the fried ice cream, nothing else. I was hesitant (come on! Fried ICE CREAM? Is just sounds nasty!), but I knew it would make him happy because it was special to him, so I ordered some. It was weird at first, but it turned out to be delicious. Ever since then, we would always go there to hold hands, make-out, and eat fried ice cream. That was one of the special things he did for me, but didn’t do anymore.
I decided to do it for myself. I was sure I could sit there and think about what I needed to say to him, and how I would say it. Some things just needed to be changed. He couldn’t get mad at that, could he? Not if he wanted to stay with me.
I parked in front of the Chinese restaurant, noticing a few cars surrounding mine. The restaurant was opened late, which I considered a good idea- I mean, it was good to Sean and I. We used to sneak out of the house in the middle of the night and walk there. It took a long time, but the time passed like seconds. That’s what love does to you.
One of the cars I noticed was a black Jeep, much like the one Sean had. Everybody had a Jeep in Georgia, though so I wasn’t stirred. It was a teenage favorite, a great graduation gift from the parents- as Sean got. I had to work for my little 2000 Cavalier I drive around.
I stared at the Jeep. It looked too much like the one Sean had. It was starting to bother me.
‘Leave it alone, Sasha.’ I told myself. ‘Everybody has a Jeep. It isn’t his.’
I knew he wouldn’t bring his boys here anyway. They were probably at somebody’s house drinking and smoking, carrying on, acting stupid- doing things that took away from his time with me. But what if he wasn’t with his boys?
It was something about that Jeep. Why couldn’t I ever go anywhere, nor do anything without thinking about him, or seeing something that reminded me of him?
I turned the car off, got out and started walking to the restaurant, getting nervous every step. Something wasn’t right.
I shouldn’t have walked inside.
To this day I regret it.
I didn’t even get past the door when I saw Sean sitting at a table across from the entrance, passionately kissing some girl. My legs almost gave out.
“May I help you?” The little China-woman hostess asked. I hardly noticed her. I looked past her, focused on the table on the other side of the restaurant, where my heart lay getting crushed.
I blinked my eyes to be sure it was him. It couldn’t be him.
It was him.
He was sitting there, kissing some girl- some light skinned bitch with long straight brown hair. They were eating each other’s faces, their fried ice cream in front of them melting.
That’s what really hurt me. Of all the things he could have gotten, he got the fried ice cream- the thing that he ate with his mother; the treat that he shared with me. Just wasting, melting away like my heart.
Pouring down the side of the cup like my tears.
If I knew every word in the dictionary and thesaurus I couldn’t even use those words to express how I felt.
I felt crushed. I felt like nothing. I gave him all of me and he threw it away. I was heart broken. My heart was actually so broken that I felt the physical pain. I felt weak. He was my supply of strength, and now it was all gone. I was so weak I couldn’t hold back the sobs, or the tears. So weak I couldn’t even walk over there. So weak I couldn’t even talk. I wanted to pull my eyes away but I couldn’t. I wanted to stop looking SO BAD, but I was too weak to look away. It was my punishment for being so weak, so blind. I had to sit there and witness the man I loved, making out and flirting with some girl. She must have tasted good, because they weren’t even stopping for air. He didn’t even kiss me that way! It seemed like they were so happy. I was sick to my stomach.
Why couldn’t I make him happy? Was I not good enough for him?
“Ma’am, would you like a seat? Is something wrong?” the hostess broke me out of my trance. One day I would thank her. Right now, I had to get out.
I turned and walked out of the restaurant.
I couldn’t even see straight. I saw my car, I saw his car, and I saw the floor. I fell to the floor as my legs gave out. It was like a pulsing pain, from bad to worse, to worst. I couldn’t let this knock me down though; he wasn’t going to have me dragging my body across the parking lot. I had to get up.
I stood up slowly and walked to my car, trying not to see his Jeep- the Jeep that couldn’t be his. This wasn’t real, it was all a dream- a nightmare. I got into my car, turned it on, and let the engine run. I couldn’t believe this. I had to leave. I pulled out of the driveway like a madwoman. As I neared the exit, I realized that my mother was right. My other friends were right. Alicia was right. I was blind. I was stumped. Love had me tripping.
And now what? Love has me crying, moping, sobbing- going crazy in my car. Why?
The sadness all of a sudden turned to anger.
Was I really going to let this nigga get away with this shit?
I couldn’t.
Monica’s ‘So gone’ video appeared in my head as I reversed my car. I wasn’t going to let him get away with this. I parked my car right next to his, and walked over to the restaurant. They kept big stones in front of the restaurant as ‘decoration’. I, on the other hand, was going to give Sean one as a present.
I picked up a nice sized stone and walked over to the jeep. I held the rock high over my head, and thought about the times we shared in his car. We drove places, we blasted music, we talked, fell asleep… He was so happy when he got the Jeep. I knew how much it would anger him if he came outside after his perfect night with this girl and discovered his Jeep had been busted into.
I held the stone up higher, and remembered how he called me when he got the Jeep. I was the first person he called, and he was so excited. We were both excited at the fact that I wouldn’t have to be driving him around everywhere anymore. He could actually pick me up- drive his own car!
I let the stone drop to the ground. I couldn’t do it. I loved him, and even though he hurt me, I couldn’t hurt him. I hopped into my car and sped off into the night, the tears flowing, wetting my shirt. What was I going to do?
By Lucius McCall
Blinded by Pain- Excerpt 1
I appreciated Alicia sitting there and listening to me vent about my man problems. It’s kind of funny, because I heard if you add ‘I’ to man problems, they became ‘main’ problems. It made sense; it was true. I tried to talk to my mom, as well as others, but nobody could give me better advice then my best friend. She was a year older then me, so I could look up to her, but not too old, so she could relate. Getting advice from her was weird though, because she kept it short and blunt. She listened without interrupting, and then gave me a short lecture that explained so much and made so much sense. It stayed while I was in her presence, but sadly when we would depart it would slowly disappear as my former thoughts eased its way back into my mind.
She was a pretty girl, whom you may call ‘artsy’. She went to Savannah College of Art and Design where she was majoring in Graphic Design. She had short hair, the Kelis look, and she always did weird things with it, like put parts in it, hearts in it-she even put a small hand with its middle finger up in the back of her head. Bossy. She wore long skirts, wooden earrings, bead chains, and flips flops. She wasn’t the typical beauty, but she was a beauty- at least all the males thought so. I was glad to be her friend, because she wasn’t the type to hang out with females, she said they caused too much drama.
I would only see her once or twice a month since summer classes were taking up her time- as well as a job, and a fiancée’. She also lived about a half- hour away, and went to a college an hour and a half away. Seeing her was scarce, but when I did, it was all love.
We were sitting on couches in our favorite coffee spot, PJ’s, chatting it up like good old times and enjoying hot drinks with brownies. We loved PJ’s because the customer service was so cool. They were free spirited, and funny- they made you feel like you were at home. Plus, their drinks tasted better than, but were cheaper than Starbucks. There were other things to spend money on nowadays, and a ten dollar cup of coffee was not one of them. Alicia got me hooked to drinking hot drinks in the winter, fall, spring, or summer. She said that smooth, hot drinks eased your brain, calmed you, and made your deep thoughts flow. I don’t know how, or why, but that’s what she said. It didn’t matter, because their white hot chocolate was heaven in a cup.
Alicia was sitting in front of me, legs crossed, cup in hand, waiting for me to start speaking. She could tell there was a problem by my actions, and how I begged her to come see me so we could talk face to face about it. We arranged for the meet to be today and ever since, I was anxious about it. I didn’t feel I as ready to hear Alicia’s response. It was time to start.
“I just don’t feel the connection anymore, Alicia.” I carried on. “It doesn’t make sense to me because I’ve given him everything! I have been nothing but a good girlfriend to him. We’ve been together for over a year, and he’s just now starting to act up. Why do all the men act up and change as soon as it’s too late; as soon as you fall for them?”
She paused before she started with the questions.
“How is he acting up?” she took a sip of her white hot chocolate.
“He doesn’t call anymore, no texts, no little messages” I started. “He just doesn’t do anything special for me anymore, Alicia.”
“And he used to?”
“Yes. He used to call every day, every night, after work and during his break. We would talk in the middle of the night, all day, and all night until morning. It was like we could never let each other go. He would send me cacti and ferns, surprise me with chocolate, and give me talking teddy bears with him saying something sweet! He would send me sweet little text messages just to let me know he was ‘thinking about me’. Now I can’t remember the last time he did any of that. Every time I talk to him, it seems like he has an attitude. To hear him happy, I have to listen to the teddy bear!”
“Cacti and ferns?” Alicia smirked. “You get love from a teddy bear?”
“He said it represented our love- forever living with simple things to keep it alive and painful to outsiders.” I ignored her other comment after realizing how stupid I sounded.
Alicia tried to hide a smile as she looked down and took a bite of the brownie.
“With all that talking, you never ran out of anything to talk about?” She questioned.
“See that’s one of the things that made me fall in love with him. We talked about any and every thing. He always made me laugh, even when I was mad or sad- at him! It was crazy, he was like my battery! I would be dead tired, then I would get a call from him, and I would be able to stay awake and alert hours later.”
“How are the conversations now?”
I paused. “Well, we hardly talk, and when we do it’s about nothing. And he has ‘to go’ a lot, says he’ll call me back, and never does.”
I watched her take another sip. Sometimes her silence made me nervous.
“Do you ever call him when he says he’ll call you back and never does?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“I remember him telling me a while ago that one of his pet peeves was girls that call him after being told that they will get called back, and girls that call and leave messages, then call again. I didn’t want to annoy him. Plus he has friends, and a job. I don’t want to bother him”
“This guy is telling you he’s going to call you, and he’s not calling you. This has happened more than once. Don’t you think you have a good enough reason to be calling him?”
It was my turn to be silent. I guess to Alicia it meant that this was an opportunity to dig deeper- which she did.
“How’s the sex?”
“Well-”
“Honestly. I don’t want to hear about how it feels so good to sex somebody you love- I want to hear real shit. Is the dick good, or not? Can he lay it down, pick it up, then lay it down again? Or is he in need of porno for ideas, and some Viagra for a hard-on?”
This was the first time she had ever interrupted me. I could tell she was irritated.
“Well, he’s a decent size, and he has no problem getting it up, it’s just that he’s…plain. It’s the same thing every time. We make out, he gets on top, he cums, we done”
“How long does it take him to cum?”
“Seven minutes.”
She gave me a blank stare.
“Or more?”
“He ever use that tongue?”
“No, he’s very old fashioned. He says real men don't get on their knees for nothing. He wasn’t even freaky when I met him. He swears he wasn’t a virgin, but he sure doesn’t act like that.”
“You were a virgin, correct?”
“Yes, Alicia.”
“No freak in him at all?”
“I made him read a Zane book before.”
“Did it work?”
“No.”
“Do you enjoy this lifeless, boring, redundant sex?”
I chuckled. “I love to please him, so yes.”
“But he doesn’t please you…”
She chewed on a brownie and stared at me.
“I actually think sex is over rated.”
“That, my friend, is because you haven’t had good sex!”
I sipped my hot chocolate and looked away. There was no being right with Alicia. And it sucked more, because you knew she was right.
“Okay, he’s not treating you right, the sex isn’t good, and he’s changed…so…why are you with him again?”
I hesitated. “I love him.”
Long sip of her white hot chocolate. I decided to take a bite of the brownie. I figured I could bite it like a bullet, and it would absorb the painful shots I knew she was about to throw at me.
“You love him?”
“Yes.”
“How do you know you love him, Sasha?”
I had to think about that one as she stared at me waiting for my answer. I had a feeling that whatever I said would be taken as bull, and not taken seriously.
“When I see him, I feel alive. The first time I saw him I felt it was love at first sight. Every time I see him I feel the same way I did the first time. I can’t go to sleep without hearing his voice, whether it’s for five minutes, or five hours, I just need to hear him. I would kill for him, I would lie for him, and I would die for him. When I hear his voice, I can’t think of anything but him, how much I love him. When I kiss him, my mind is…I have no mind when I kiss him. He takes my mind, and breath away. I’ve given him everything, and will continue to give, until I give him the nothing I have to give. Can you seriously tell me that’s not love?”
“Well, okay Shakespeare.” Alicia leaned back with the same silly smirk she flashes when she knows she has a point coming. “Is this how you used to feel, or do you still feel this way?”
I reluctantly responded. It hurt me as I realized that- “I used to feel this way.”
Things started to piece together, but I didn’t want to believe them. I didn’t want to believe I was out of love, or that all this time was wasted. I knew we could get back right, I just knew it. I wasn’t going to give up the fight. All relationships need work at some point. This was just a phase; things should be back to normal soon, right?
“I want you to review this conversation on your own time, and listen to what you said.” Alicia started to deliver the bad news. I braced myself. “I actually have no other advice for you other than to listen to what you told me tonight. It’ll all make sense when you do it. If you review what you said to me, and feel you still want to be in this relationship, then do you. I wouldn’t advise it, though. Nobody can tell you anything when you feel you’re in love. Trust me, I’ve been though it. Therefore, I’m not going to waste my breath trying to tell you what you should do.”
“You’re telling me I’m not in love?”
“I’m telling you this, Sasha-” She leaned forward and looked deep into my eyes as if to make sure this thought she was about to share wouldn’t go anywhere after she left. “You’re blinded by love.”
By Lucius McCall
She was a pretty girl, whom you may call ‘artsy’. She went to Savannah College of Art and Design where she was majoring in Graphic Design. She had short hair, the Kelis look, and she always did weird things with it, like put parts in it, hearts in it-she even put a small hand with its middle finger up in the back of her head. Bossy. She wore long skirts, wooden earrings, bead chains, and flips flops. She wasn’t the typical beauty, but she was a beauty- at least all the males thought so. I was glad to be her friend, because she wasn’t the type to hang out with females, she said they caused too much drama.
I would only see her once or twice a month since summer classes were taking up her time- as well as a job, and a fiancée’. She also lived about a half- hour away, and went to a college an hour and a half away. Seeing her was scarce, but when I did, it was all love.
We were sitting on couches in our favorite coffee spot, PJ’s, chatting it up like good old times and enjoying hot drinks with brownies. We loved PJ’s because the customer service was so cool. They were free spirited, and funny- they made you feel like you were at home. Plus, their drinks tasted better than, but were cheaper than Starbucks. There were other things to spend money on nowadays, and a ten dollar cup of coffee was not one of them. Alicia got me hooked to drinking hot drinks in the winter, fall, spring, or summer. She said that smooth, hot drinks eased your brain, calmed you, and made your deep thoughts flow. I don’t know how, or why, but that’s what she said. It didn’t matter, because their white hot chocolate was heaven in a cup.
Alicia was sitting in front of me, legs crossed, cup in hand, waiting for me to start speaking. She could tell there was a problem by my actions, and how I begged her to come see me so we could talk face to face about it. We arranged for the meet to be today and ever since, I was anxious about it. I didn’t feel I as ready to hear Alicia’s response. It was time to start.
“I just don’t feel the connection anymore, Alicia.” I carried on. “It doesn’t make sense to me because I’ve given him everything! I have been nothing but a good girlfriend to him. We’ve been together for over a year, and he’s just now starting to act up. Why do all the men act up and change as soon as it’s too late; as soon as you fall for them?”
She paused before she started with the questions.
“How is he acting up?” she took a sip of her white hot chocolate.
“He doesn’t call anymore, no texts, no little messages” I started. “He just doesn’t do anything special for me anymore, Alicia.”
“And he used to?”
“Yes. He used to call every day, every night, after work and during his break. We would talk in the middle of the night, all day, and all night until morning. It was like we could never let each other go. He would send me cacti and ferns, surprise me with chocolate, and give me talking teddy bears with him saying something sweet! He would send me sweet little text messages just to let me know he was ‘thinking about me’. Now I can’t remember the last time he did any of that. Every time I talk to him, it seems like he has an attitude. To hear him happy, I have to listen to the teddy bear!”
“Cacti and ferns?” Alicia smirked. “You get love from a teddy bear?”
“He said it represented our love- forever living with simple things to keep it alive and painful to outsiders.” I ignored her other comment after realizing how stupid I sounded.
Alicia tried to hide a smile as she looked down and took a bite of the brownie.
“With all that talking, you never ran out of anything to talk about?” She questioned.
“See that’s one of the things that made me fall in love with him. We talked about any and every thing. He always made me laugh, even when I was mad or sad- at him! It was crazy, he was like my battery! I would be dead tired, then I would get a call from him, and I would be able to stay awake and alert hours later.”
“How are the conversations now?”
I paused. “Well, we hardly talk, and when we do it’s about nothing. And he has ‘to go’ a lot, says he’ll call me back, and never does.”
I watched her take another sip. Sometimes her silence made me nervous.
“Do you ever call him when he says he’ll call you back and never does?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“I remember him telling me a while ago that one of his pet peeves was girls that call him after being told that they will get called back, and girls that call and leave messages, then call again. I didn’t want to annoy him. Plus he has friends, and a job. I don’t want to bother him”
“This guy is telling you he’s going to call you, and he’s not calling you. This has happened more than once. Don’t you think you have a good enough reason to be calling him?”
It was my turn to be silent. I guess to Alicia it meant that this was an opportunity to dig deeper- which she did.
“How’s the sex?”
“Well-”
“Honestly. I don’t want to hear about how it feels so good to sex somebody you love- I want to hear real shit. Is the dick good, or not? Can he lay it down, pick it up, then lay it down again? Or is he in need of porno for ideas, and some Viagra for a hard-on?”
This was the first time she had ever interrupted me. I could tell she was irritated.
“Well, he’s a decent size, and he has no problem getting it up, it’s just that he’s…plain. It’s the same thing every time. We make out, he gets on top, he cums, we done”
“How long does it take him to cum?”
“Seven minutes.”
She gave me a blank stare.
“Or more?”
“He ever use that tongue?”
“No, he’s very old fashioned. He says real men don't get on their knees for nothing. He wasn’t even freaky when I met him. He swears he wasn’t a virgin, but he sure doesn’t act like that.”
“You were a virgin, correct?”
“Yes, Alicia.”
“No freak in him at all?”
“I made him read a Zane book before.”
“Did it work?”
“No.”
“Do you enjoy this lifeless, boring, redundant sex?”
I chuckled. “I love to please him, so yes.”
“But he doesn’t please you…”
She chewed on a brownie and stared at me.
“I actually think sex is over rated.”
“That, my friend, is because you haven’t had good sex!”
I sipped my hot chocolate and looked away. There was no being right with Alicia. And it sucked more, because you knew she was right.
“Okay, he’s not treating you right, the sex isn’t good, and he’s changed…so…why are you with him again?”
I hesitated. “I love him.”
Long sip of her white hot chocolate. I decided to take a bite of the brownie. I figured I could bite it like a bullet, and it would absorb the painful shots I knew she was about to throw at me.
“You love him?”
“Yes.”
“How do you know you love him, Sasha?”
I had to think about that one as she stared at me waiting for my answer. I had a feeling that whatever I said would be taken as bull, and not taken seriously.
“When I see him, I feel alive. The first time I saw him I felt it was love at first sight. Every time I see him I feel the same way I did the first time. I can’t go to sleep without hearing his voice, whether it’s for five minutes, or five hours, I just need to hear him. I would kill for him, I would lie for him, and I would die for him. When I hear his voice, I can’t think of anything but him, how much I love him. When I kiss him, my mind is…I have no mind when I kiss him. He takes my mind, and breath away. I’ve given him everything, and will continue to give, until I give him the nothing I have to give. Can you seriously tell me that’s not love?”
“Well, okay Shakespeare.” Alicia leaned back with the same silly smirk she flashes when she knows she has a point coming. “Is this how you used to feel, or do you still feel this way?”
I reluctantly responded. It hurt me as I realized that- “I used to feel this way.”
Things started to piece together, but I didn’t want to believe them. I didn’t want to believe I was out of love, or that all this time was wasted. I knew we could get back right, I just knew it. I wasn’t going to give up the fight. All relationships need work at some point. This was just a phase; things should be back to normal soon, right?
“I want you to review this conversation on your own time, and listen to what you said.” Alicia started to deliver the bad news. I braced myself. “I actually have no other advice for you other than to listen to what you told me tonight. It’ll all make sense when you do it. If you review what you said to me, and feel you still want to be in this relationship, then do you. I wouldn’t advise it, though. Nobody can tell you anything when you feel you’re in love. Trust me, I’ve been though it. Therefore, I’m not going to waste my breath trying to tell you what you should do.”
“You’re telling me I’m not in love?”
“I’m telling you this, Sasha-” She leaned forward and looked deep into my eyes as if to make sure this thought she was about to share wouldn’t go anywhere after she left. “You’re blinded by love.”
By Lucius McCall
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
iWhoopRico
aaayyyeeeee!!
WHOOP RICO Contest, Concert, and Party tonight...
2511 park Central blvd off panola road in Decatur!
Text DJ GB- the producer of the hit song, the "Fight DJ", for more information
229-415-2880
If you're like me and need to learn how to do this addicting dance, look below for your steps...lol
I'll be in attendance!
Out of character as hell...lol.
Pictures will be loaded, asap
Peace & Blessings
Lu
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
DIG THIS WITH ME- The strangers
I.
Cannot.
Wait.
Thurday is paycheck time...getting a lil something extra in my pockets...
And then Friday...
Oh boy, Friday..
The Strangers comes out this Friday...
It's been a while since I've seen a good scary movie...you know?
They're all watered down, same plot over and over and over...
This seems so new...
It makes me ponder...
Why does these people want to kill this couple- besides the fact that "they were home"...?
Who are they?
Based on true events??
Huh?
I'm watching the preview looking behind my shoulder and ish.
Sigh.
I will be in attendance Friday....
Will you?
Peace & Blessings
Lu
TB4B continues...T.I. speaks!
I hate Sway...
and I hate how New Yorkers get it so confused...
SHAWTY Lo! Not SHORTY Lo...
C'mon...get it together.
I did.
lol...
But anyway...T.I.P. responds to the nonsense...
"Compe- who? hahahahahahahahaha..." --T.I.
Peace & Blessings
Lu
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