I found it amazing...(draft)

I questioned if it was fate- me wearing the cashmere sweater that she picked out for me at the store. Or the gold key she gave me…the key to her heart at some time in the past.
Whatever, I shook it off- I couldn’t let her run my life, better yet- my night.
Yet I couldn’t shake her from my thoughts…
In the car with the boys, snapping and rolling, supermaning “ohhs”, and yelling “YaahhhBragalabragabralaba!” out the window couldn’t shake her out of my thoughts.
She has stained my thinking forever.
Or at least, what seems like forever.
I wondered if it was destiny when the guys and I were at the club entrance waiting to get in, and her and her comrades walked up, all in black, all in beautiful. My boy told me not to look to my right.
Sometimes I should listen…
Hugs were exchanged between men and women, every man to every woman- except her and I.
Didn’t expect it, therefore I wasn’t disappointed.
I was surprised that the line wasn’t around the block. This was an upscale club, and tonight was free. I expected to see people on every crevice of the street! Maybe a lot of people were already inside.
I wondered if it was just luck- her wearing the stunning dress that I made her get in place of a date…just to see her smile. Her smile lit up my way, and she was surely showing it tonight. The dress held her like I wanted to, showed her curves. Eye candy, and my eyes were going to have a sugar rush. Her hair was straight tonight, not the usual crazy curls that fit her character. I knew her calm hairstyle wouldn’t tame her tonight, though. I took a quick- at least the intention was quick- glance at her long, toned legs, down to her pedicured toes. She was wearing new heels.
My breath caught short in my chest, and I could just mutter one word, “Damn.”
I looked around- looked at anything that wasn’t her, and felt the breeze. It was a cold night. I let the ladies walk in first so they could get out of the frost.
“Thank you.” Her souldierettes repeated one by one as they walked in single file. I smiled at all of them- but her.
Hearing her say thank you made me smile inside, though.
I was in a real chill mood, maybe due to the coconut Bacardi and Coke I drank before I headed out. It was either I drank nothing, and remained myself, drank too little and remained chill, or drank more than a little and lost all of my cares.
At this moment I wished I drank more than a little.
I walked in, flashed my free pass, and walked around, examining the nightclub. Everyone was formally dressed for this affair- their attire bellowing the word ‘classy’. There were guys who tried, and guys who were doing it; women that looked blah, and women that looked marvelous. Attractive women, unattractive women, old face women, and women I recognized- there were a lot of women.
Nonetheless, there was only one on my mind at this time.
I linked up with the guys I came with, and we formed a chain. Not a good look for attracting women- however, that was the least of my worries tonight.
As the night eased by, more people came, more people danced, and more people drank. Tipsiness wafted around the club, and picked its victims carelessly.
I kept my eye off, but my mind rested on her.
Hours passed, glances exchanged- with anyone but her, and uneasiness worked its way up my spine. All of her friends came over one by one or two by two to talk to my crew and I. I always forced a smile, threw compliments their way, and wondered why the quarterback didn’t come with the team.
I didn’t want to know, so I didn’t ask.
Nobody but God and I knew how much I wanted our eyes to make contact. How much I wanted her to look into my eyes from across the room and smile- I return the smile as she makes her way across the room to me, a goal in her eye, purpose in her walk. Nobody but God and I knew how much I wanted her to stand in front of me, smirk, whisper something- anything in my ear, and grab my hand…lead me to a seat, allow me to sit first, then sit on my lap and give me all of her attention.
Jouissance.
Then reality smacked me in the face.
That type of stuff only happens in movies, huh?
It hurt me to know that we could be nothing more than friends – if that.
A female friend of mine came over to chat with me, and I entertained her for a little while- or, she may have entertained me because I was just standing there, drink in hand, looking around the club over and over as if it was my job. She talked and talked, and I yawned- her not the cause of the escaped air. At least I’d never tell if she was.
She then tried to dance with me, and I scooted away and let my man take the dance. She then scooted away from him and told me that I was too focused on my drink to realize who was in front of me trying to dance. I smiled, denied, and walked off.
I refused to kill any hope…
She- yes her- made her way over to where I was and passed by me. We exchanged glances, and she softly tugged on the key-that-used-to-belong-to-her-heart. I gave her a sly smile as she started to dance with her team, and the surrounding.
The night was reaching its climax.
And then the song I absolutely hated clicked on…Just my luck.
‘I’m single again,
back on the prowl,
I thought it was perfect,
I don’t know how…'
I fixed my eyes in her opposite direction. I refused to look at her going crazy to this song- as every other single girl was doing.
I told my comrade I hated this song, and he asked why. I looked at him like he was retarded. He then told me that she wasn’t dancing to it.
I can’t explain the feeling.
I wondered if it was fate- that there was a river of R&B songs flowing- the same songs we used to play in the car as we sped to Atlantic Station to catch a late movie- Bonnie and Clyde style. I wanted to plug my ears.
I didn’t do any serious dancing, just enough to make people ‘think’ I was having fun- you know, a little head nod here, body rock there, two step here….
Then the reggae came on.
Me, having West Indian in my blood, had no control over the way my body moved when Sean Paul, Sizzla, Beenie Man- or whomever came on. I smiled and danced to the dutty whine music- with nobody to dutty whine with.
My man asked me permission to dance with her, and I granted his access- as if I had that control anymore. He waltzed over to her, and took her hand as she danced with her girls. She smiled at him, and continued to dance- rejected him without being blatant. She just wanted to dance with her girls tonight.
A friend of mine- known for his ignorance to the treatment of women- started to whisper things in my ear that made me want to push him away.
“Bruh, she want you. Just dance with her one time and make that call. You see she’s had drinks in her system, so she has no cares right now. You’re her security dude, man. She wanna have sex, but she don’t just wanna do any guy out here, so she can fall back to you. She still stuck on you, I know it. Dog, go dance with her, then make that call tonight. I bet she comes over.” He then started to move his body as if he were sexing an invisible woman.
Saying this to me, I really wondered what he said to every girl that passed him as he grabbed their arms and talked to them- the look of a hound in his eyes.
He was an animal.
He was a dog.
He was a guy.
“Bro,” I started my preaching. “You know my m-o. I’m not like that. I don’t want to have sex with her, man. That’s not my main goal with her. I respect her. I’d be happy to just ‘talk’ to her. I’d be thrilled if she just came over and laid with me. A kiss would be more than enough, b. More than enough.”
He smiled, because I didn’t say anything unexpected.
I looked at her dancing with her girls, having fun, smile on her face lighting up the room.
A song came on that made the people holding up the wall jump down. Everybody sitting down got up, and formed their positions. This song brought out the nasty in girls. It was about to get hot in here.
I wanted to dance with her, but rejection from her wouldn’t be like rejection from any other woman. I didn’t want to risk it, because the way I felt right now, rejection from her would send my night in a spin…right down the drain.
Forget it. I’m young, life’s short. I have to take chances while I’m here.
I walked over, got behind her, and whispered in her ear, “Can we dance?”
She looked back at me and smiled. “Sure.”
On contact, my world slowed down. She used to be- and proved she still was- my drug.
Relapse.
We started to dance, and it seemed like the world outside of us paused; as if a force field surrounded us, and covered us to protect us from people outside our circle- the people who didn’t understand what was going on inside. I knew people had to be dancing to this song, but I didn’t see them- I couldn’t see them. I heard people talking, but it was all in slow motion- I couldn’t make it out. I heard a couple “Go head, boy!” and “Get it, girl!” chants, but it meant nothing to me. I was focused on her.
We danced as if we had practiced for days and wanted to display our skill- though we didn’t. I held her thighs, pulled her close to me, and she pulled my shirt to get me as close to her as possible. We were in sync, on rhythm, we whined low, danced high, and followed the beat.
Or, the beat followed us.
I felt that powerful at that time.
She was like the gas to my car, the bullets to my gun, the check to my Nikes…
She didn’t make me, but she made me better.
I found it amazing how I felt when I danced with her. Almost as amazing as it felt when we used to do other things. More amazing than any weed, drink, or other female could make me feel. I felt love was an amazing thing- despite how much I hated it right now. Even though I really, really wanted to escape this quicksand, I still found it amazing, and wanted to play in it.
I found it amazing..like she was.
I was complete for a good four minutes.
Then it was done. The song ended, and the force field vanished as I released her.
I was ready to go. My night was complete.
She started to walk over to her friends, but I pulled her back over to me and gave her a hug.
Everything I wanted to say was said in that hug.
She smiled and walked away.
I found it truly amazing how she would go on with her life without a thought of how things would be- could be.
I know I couldn’t.
The guys and I went to go get some late night grub, and I wondered if it was a blessing that she walked into the same place with her friends thirty minutes later. I heard her laughing, saw her by the juke-box, witnessed how sweaty, and unraveled she looked- as most women looked after a party.
She was still stunning to me.
She had to leave for me to finish my egg biscuit.
The stain she left on my thoughts was visible for the rest of the night until I got home. I said farewell to the boys, and went to my room and laid down.
I wanted her with me.
But I couldn’t just jump from one extreme to another. A dance doesn’t mean she wants to be with me alone- just yet.
Wants and needs were two different things. I needed to separate them.
Just like dreams and reality.
I decided to test the temperature of the water. I texted her.
‘Goodnight, beautiful.’
She texted me back like a friend would.
I was content.

Copyright © 2007 by Lucius McCall
All rights reserved.