Thursday, January 31, 2008

Women & Blues...

I've never understand women.
And when I finally do, it'll be too late...I'll either be married, or too old to get married...haha.
Why is it that women looovvveeee R&B? They love the words, they think its sweet, they wanna listen to it all the time...
yet, when you tell em sweet things, it's just disregarded- unappreciated?
I was listening to Suffocate on my way home from a lab- 8o'clock, ugh- and I already knew the gist, but I listened to each word and absorbed it- because I felt it.
I felt that way, and I told my ex...and it was like I was telling her that I got an A on a test.
No, worse than that...
it's like she didn't care...
But whatever...I'm done dishing out myself and getting NOTHING in return- not even the expected 'thank you', or something nicer...
I'm a good guy, and I shouldn't be wasted on something nondeserving and unappreciative. That goes for you as well...if you're a good guy/girl, don't waste your time being unappreciated.
Just move to someone who will appreciate you.
By the time this stupid/blind person realizes your worth, you'll be gone...
sorry...

Peace & Blessings
Lucius McCall

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Good Morning Heartache....

Wow...
Chris Botti Feat. Jill Scott...
poetry...with a little Sax in the back...

"Good morning heartache
You old gloomy sight
Good morning heartache
Thought we said goodbye last night
I turned and tossed until it seems you heve gone
But here you are with the dawn
Wish I forget you, but youre here to stay
It seems I met you
When my love went away
Now everyday I stop Im saying to you
Good morning heartache whats new

Stop haunting me now
Cant shake you nohow
Just leave me alone
Ive got those monday blues
Straight to sunday blues
Good morning heartache
Here we go again
Good morning heartache
Youre the one
Who knows me well
Might as well get use to you hanging around
Good morning heartache..."

yes.

Peace & Blessings
Lucius McCall

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Finally reached my element...

I don't know why...but today was a great day for me. The sun was out, the breeze was blowing...and my mind was so clear. This usually happens when I go to bed early and wake up early...and that's what I did. lol. So I guess that explains it...
I'm just so calm...not worrying about anything- but the important, school.
I went to my classes, got my work done, sat in the sun to read literature, and
The girl I was stunting walked by and it didn't throw off my flow...
:-)
I think I've finally reached my goal...
I think I'm finally ME again- fully.

Now i'm about to take a break, go to a meeting, then burn me some ME music...I can't listen to garbage when I feel like this...lol.

Live, laugh, love
Peace & Blessings
Lucius McCall

P.S. Squirrels are damaging our internet lines...
and phone lines...
I believe they're retaliating because we chase them, as well as curse them.
Now they're going to destroy all mens of communication and then proceed on to destroying us.
We must get them before they get us.
Oh so serious....haha
Think- no, KNOW I'm weird.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Killer Killer (Part 2)

WARNING: The following story is in no way a threat, or something based off of any plans of the author. It was written for two reasons, to display his writing skills, and to make people think. Don’t call your campus police department and ask them to search my apartment- again- because it’ll just waste my time, as well as theirs- which is precious. Read on at your own risk.
Reader discretion advised.
Enjoy.



Shrieks escaped everybody’s mouths. People moved in closer to their hiding places as if it would make a difference. I knew it wouldn’t, but I did it too.
“You mother fuckers scared, huh?”
I didn’t have to look to recognize the voice.
It was the crazy guy from outside.
I suddenly felt bad.
I could have stopped this. I could have called the police to get him escorted off of the campus, or something! Now he was in the school killing people. It was my fault.
“So you bitches think you can walk around with your nice clothes and nice cars and get an education and rise up, and just leave me in the hood, huh?”
I heard him walking around slowly. I refused to look.
“You think you’re better than me?” The footsteps stopped.
I remained behind the couch.
Silence.
“I asked you a mother fucking question!”
Boom!
A gunshot went off that caused me to jump, and made other people shift.
“Why the fuck can’t I be the first black mother fucking president?” He continued. “Hmm? Why not?”
He was asking questions before he killed people.
Columbine.
I heard him laugh- his signature hoot from hell.
He thought it was funny. He felt he was playing a game. He felt that life was a big video game, and taking people’s lives was no big deal- to bring them back, you just had to press restart.
“If you think your life is that freaking cruddy, why don’t you just take your own life instead of taking innocent people’s?” Some girl shrieked. “You’re a coward! Kill yourself! Leave us alone!”
I heard him walk over to the voice, and I heard shuffling. The noises of somebody trying to escape death.
Boom! Boom!
Her last words.
Tears poured down the faces of the people behind the couch.
I was terrified.
I was holding my breath.
My heart was racing, and my mind was going a hundred miles a minute. I was in a state of denial- I guess to keep me from entering a state of shock. My life was about to end, and I didn’t want to grasp that.
“Anybody else want to be a hero?” The crazed man asked. “Anybody else want to shout their last fucking words to the world? This aint’ no damn T.V, nigga! I will kill you! I don’t give a fuck!”
More shots went off as I held on to the couch as if it were my only source of life.
All of a sudden, I realized I could end this.
After the Virginia Tech tragedy, my father, who was a member of the NRA, decided that it was time for me to start carrying protection. I was against it, but he explained that living in the world we live in now, where people just kill because they can, I needed protection. He said he couldn’t live to see me die, after my mother was killed by a gunman downtown- around the same place my school was located. He wouldn’t allow it, and he pressed me to get a gun.
Wanting to make my father happy, especially after understanding what he went though- what I went though, I went with him to the gun range to practice shooting. For my twenty-first birthday, he got me a gun- as well as a license to carry it. It wasn’t anything big, just a .22 Magnum mini revolver that could fit in my pocket. I kept it in my backpack, and never told anybody about it, or showed it off. It was loaded, but I never shot it- it remained in the holster it came with since I got it.
In no way, form, or fashion was I a thug who wanted to shoot somebody in my life. But I understood I had dreams, and if somebody wanted to take them away from me…
Did this happen for a reason?
Was I supposed to kill the killer?
I had never killed anyone, and wasn’t planning on it anytime soon- if ever.
But I needed to protect myself- as well as everybody else.
He couldn’t kill anymore.
More gunshots discontinued my thoughts abruptly.
I decided.
I slowly pulled my bag towards me, and slipped open the small compartment in the front. The people sitting around me looked at me in terror.
I put my finger to my lips, and looked at them.
My eyes pleaded with them, begged them not to make any noise.
I reached inside and pulled the small gun out, it feeling cold in my hands.
As cold as death.
I pulled it out of the holster.
I looked into the eyes of the people surrounding me. Their eyes were filled with fright, sorrow, and question- was he with the guy who was killing everybody?
Was he going to kill us too?
My eyes told them negative.
I heard the murderer talking, but his words sounded muffled in my ears.
I struggled to remember how to use the gun. My mind was full of mist, my stomach full of butterflies.
I looked at the gun.
The steel finish, the letters and numbers on the side- I felt the weight. It wasn’t heavy- but its weight proved that it was loaded. Murder was in my hands. Death was in my control- he was just waiting for my instructions.
I wasn’t going to die tonight.
“If you scared, go to church mother fucker! I don’t give a fuck!”
More shots.
Crying, moaning, blood.
He was getting closer.
Death was getting closer.
The surrounding eyes peered at me, begged me to end this terror.
I cocked the hammer back.
I was going to be a killing hero.
A killer killer.
I rose up slowly, and looked over the top of the couch, gun in hand, hammer cocked, the gun’s babies ready to be born.
The sight was vile.
Blood was everywhere, bodies were lying on the ground, people were moaning, crying, and the stench of urine wafted around the room. Fatality reigned.
His back was facing me, and he was staring at two girls in the corner. They were covering their faces and crying, pleading with him for life.
Two women.
Two helpless women- who did nothing to him- who have probably never seen him in their lives.
He held a pistol in each hand- each hand spoke death.
He was heartless.
He yelled at them.
He was crazy.
I had the power to end this.
My hands were shaking, due to the adrenaline. It was now or never.
I raised all the way up, aimed the gun at the back of his head an pulled the trigger.
Crack!
I didn’t know if I missed, but his body shifted.
I cocked the hammer back again and shot, walking towards him.
Crack!
A bullet entered his neck, and blood poured out from his wound.
He was hit.
He turned towards me, and his face held confusion.
“Fuck.”
By the time he said that, I had already shot him a third time, the bullet entering his forehead, his brains splattering on the girls behind him. They screamed.
Without another ignorant word, he fell to the ground hard, guns hitting the ground harder- loud enough to wake everybody up from their nightmare.
I stood there and absorbed the scene; the dead bodies, the almost dead- gasping for air, holding on to life, the terrified who would have been dead, the murderer dead on the ground- helpless now, the smoking revolver in my hand, the smell of gun powder…
I couldn’t take it all in.
The gun dropped from my hands.
People started to get up and help each other, ask what was going on, confusion lined their faces.
As I stared at nothing and everything, my sight started to fade. Before everything went dark, I witnessed the police officers step inside the Internet Café, guns drawn.
About time.

* * *

I woke up from my dream in a cold sweat once again. The dream was as vivid as when it happened in real life.
I sat up, and looked at the darkness around me.
When would I dream other things? When would my happy dreams begin again?
When would this damn stone cot become a Therapeudic mattress?
When would I get out of jail?
Why were the laws like they were?
If I didn’t have a gun on me, how many people would have been killed before the police came?
How many more people?
Would I be alive?
When will I be seen as a hero, and not a killer?
Why am I in jail?
Whys, woulds, what ifs and whens, along with hows flooded my mind. Hundreds of questions with no answers present.
I couldn’t let my dreams haunt me.
I couldn’t let reality haunt me.
I had to get out of here.
I needed to see sunlight.
I wasn’t a killer.
I killed a killer.


Copyright © 2007 by Lucius McCall
All rights reserved.


Should firearms be allowed on school campuses?

Killer Killer (part 1)

WARNING: The following story is in no way a threat, or something based off of any plans of the author. It was written for two reasons, to display his writing skills, and to make people think. Don’t call your campus police department and ask them to search my apartment- again- because it’ll just waste my time, as well as theirs- which is precious. Read on at your own risk.
Reader discretion advised.
Enjoy.



As I paced back and forth in the dark jail cell, I wondered why life was like it was. Why did bad things always happen to good people? Why are the laws the way they are- so stupid? This was my third day in the cell- the most recent of the trilogy of the worst three days of my life.
Three hots and a cot.
One hour recreation time a day- that I chose not to participate in.
Smells that put the worst bathrooms to shame.
Testosterone.
A lot of testosterone.
I was a ladies man. I didn’t dwell well with these men who were in here for murder, rape, stealing…etc.
My first day and night in jail, I couldn’t even sleep. I just sat in a corner and looked around, listened and got used to the sounds of a prison.
Not pleasant.
Jail sure wasn’t my apartment I was so used to going back to after a long day of work and school.
School.
Ugh.
The thought made me sick to my stomach- from the circumstance that placed me here, to the work I was missing as I wasted my time in jail.
I spent the second night trying not to think about anything and getting used to the hard cot that made me wonder if there were people out there who seriously tried to make terrible bedding for inmates. Usually when people make mattresses, they try their hardest to make it as soft as they can- as comfortable as they can…
Obviously not these guys.
I thought about anything that had nothing to do with the reason I was here, or when I would be getting out, or how long I’ve been here…
I just tried to think positively.
That was impossible to do in a jail cell.
I fell asleep after hours of thinking about everything, including the misfortune that happened just a few days ago. I fell asleep and dreamed about it.
I woke up in a cold sweat, shivering. Wondering where I was, what I was doing, and why I was so damn uncomfortable. Then it dawned on me…
I wished this was a dream, or some type of Twilight Zone trick, or something- anything that would take me out of the pot I was in.
I stopped pacing, lay on the stone of a mattress, and tried to go to sleep. That’s all you could do here. Sleep, read, write, waste time, go crazy, or the worst- think.
Thinking is what I tried not to do, but that feat was impossible.
I closed my eyes and thought of the night.
The night that got me here.

* * *

“Hey love, are you coming to the library?”
“Ugh, I’m tired of studying! My brain can’t take anymore!”
“I know, I know.” I responded. “But this week is hell for all of us. But just keep in mind, that after this, it’s summer time, baby! Me, you, and the beach. Think about that, and this week will fly by.”
“If I think about that, there’s no way I’ll focus on studying.”
“Let me make a deal with you.”
There was a pause on the other end of the phone.
“I’m listening.”
“Okay. You come to the library and keep me company so we can study together, and I’ll get you some coffee. Then, when we head back to my apartment, I’ll give you one of those full body massages that put you to sleep. How does that sound?”
“Mmmmm…with the coconut oil?”
“With the coconut oil, baby.”
I heard her smile through the receiver.
“I’ll be right there as soon as I can get out of this bed.”
“I’ll be looking for you, because you know I don’t have service in that dungeon.”
“Normal spot?”
“Normal spot.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, baby.”
The dial tone rang in my ear, and then died away as I slid the phone closed.
It was finals week, and everybody was stressed. The campus library was packed- it looked like registration day. Everybody was getting their last minute cramming on, some getting distracted, and some staying on track. Bottom line, the hang out spot for this last week in the semester was the library.
I paused before I headed back into the library, and that’s when I met him. He was sitting on the stairs staring at me. I looked behind me before I made any assumptions, but there was nobody in sight. I looked back at him and his eyes were trained on me. I started to walk to the library doors, and he stood up and stepped in my way. I backed up a safe distance.
“Can I help you?”
He was a short, stocky black male in heavy clothing. I could tell he didn’t attend the university by his looks, as sad as that sounds. He had headphones on, over his beanie hat. He had facial hair that was as unkempt as his clothes, and acne covered his dark face. He wore a black shirt with a big black jacket; stone washed jeans, and black boots. He looked as if he walked to campus straight from the hood. Two different dimensions.
But who am I to judge?
There were many reasons I hated attending a university with an open campus, and this was one of them. People can come on and off of campus as much as they please to do whatever, whenever. That was a risk for every student, and I hated it. The school I attended was right in the middle of the ghetto- the hood. Projects surrounded the college as a sea surrounded an island. You’re on the island to learn, and the sharks are off the island to do the opposite. I hated it.
He stared at me.
“Can I help you?” I repeated myself.
“Why can’t I be the first black president?” he asked.
“Excuse me?” I lost some of my uneasiness. Maybe I was just on edge because of finals.
“Why can’t I be the first black president?” He continued to stare at me- I within arms reach.
“Maybe you can, bro.” I tried to get past him and enter the library, but he stood in my way. My interview wasn’t over.
“Would you vote for me?”
“Yeah, I would vote for you. Why wouldn’t I?”
He stared at me. I had a bad feeling about him. I decided to feel him out.
“Would you vote for yourself?” I asked.
He stared at me before answering, “I don’t know yet.”
He gazed some more before he started laughing. His laugh was like the laugh of the lackadaisical, the careless- yet I heard the fires of hell within it. Or maybe that was just his breath.
Either, or- I was scared.
“What are you listening to?” I asked him. I wanted to know what kind of music got you into this mood.
He held a goofy smile as he pulled on his headphone cord…and pulled out nothing but the plug. He was listening to nothing, unless of course they started to sell pants with a built in MP3 player in the pocket.
It was obviously not music that made him act this way.
I backed up a little.
“Tell that boy he owes me ten dollars.” He said, as a goofy smile remained plastered on his face. I wanted to peel it off.
“What boy?” I was pretty much through with entertaining his foolishness.
“He knows who he is.” His blank stare returned. “And I bet he’s scared.”
On that note, I was gone.
I maneuvered around him, told him farewell, and headed to the doors of the library.
I heard him mumble behind me, and didn’t turn around when I heard him call out, “So are we the niggers, or are they?”
Crazy local.
Upon entering the library, my dimension, I forgot about the crazy man. I just hoped the books would scare him away…
They say the best way to hide something from someone like that was to put it in a book…
I was surprised that I hadn’t seen my girlfriend yet. Figured she’d still be in bed, if not on her way here. I’d go out and check on her in a little bit to make sure she didn’t run into the foolish man.
I entered the usual place we studied- the Internet Cafe. It was a room full of computers with some benches and desks spread around, with a couple of couches. In the corner of the ‘café’ was a coffee shop. The Bean. Their coffee wasn’t as delicious as PJ’s, but it was close. It was lounge area- a place to study if you needed a little background noise.
The computers called for me, but I knew if I got on one, I’d get no work done. Facebook, MySpace, Blogger, and all my hip hop sites that I visit daily would take up hours of my time. I had to remain focused.
I sat on a couch, and pulled my Accounting book out of my bag. Ugh. I hated this tedious crap.
Well, you have to do what you have to do to get where you want to get.

* * *

I was in the middle of a day dream when I heard the yelling outside of the café. I paid it no attention. Finals week was the week most fights happened, if any.
The loud bang jolted me from my thoughts and made me think that this may be more than a simple bickering.
Whatever, I thought. Somebody probably dropped something, or the freshmen were being stupid again. I ignored the noises.
I started to stare at my book, and then I was pulled away from that when I heard the screams.
Sitting on the couch, my back was facing the entrance to the café. I turned around to see what the ruckus was about.
I heard more bangs.
A guy with a red shirt ran into the Internet Café and slammed the door behind him.
Was this a joke? Why were people playing around?
I was getting angry. I stood up.
People came to the library to study! Not to play tag.
But then I noticed that the guy was holding the door closed, and he had a terrified look on his face.
Then I noticed his shirt wasn’t red. It was a gray shirt covered in blood.
He was bleeding.
“Somebody’s shooting!” He yelled.
Gasps and discussion erupted in the room. Panic was present, but not to study.
More bangs from outside the door.
Bangs that sounded like shots from a gun.
Freshmen weren’t being stupid, and nobody was playing tag.
Somebody was shooting.
Somebody was killing people.
I dropped down to the ground and took cover behind the couch.
“Where is he?” Somebody asked the guy holding the door.
“I don’t know where he is now, but he was outside a second ago! He came from upstairs! Somebody please help me keep the door closed! Oh my God, I’m bleeding! I’m shot!”
Nobody went over to help him, so he limped over to the coffee shop and slid over the counter to the other side.
Nobody wanted to be closer to death than they already were.
Nobody wanted to be near the door.
The entrance was the only way of escape, and nobody was going to be the first to run out.
Death could be patiently waiting on the other side of the door.
Nobody in this room wanted to meet him.
“Are there knives in the coffee shop?” Somebody called out.
“Shut up!” Somebody yelled. “If he hears us, he’s going to come!”
“Somebody turn the lights out!”
Nobody got up. Nobody wanted to be a hero. Nobody wanted to die.
Silence was outside the room.
Suspense and terror grew thick inside the room.
You could hear whimpers and crying sround the room. A girl was under a computer table crying out, asking “why” over and over and over. Three people were behind the couch with me, more behind other couches. A girl across the room behind a couch was shaking uncontrollably as someone hugged her and tried to tell her everything would be alright.
This wasn’t the time for lies.
Suddenly, a thought crossed my mind that made my heart drop to my stomach.
My girlfriend.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and attempted to call her. I had to make sure she wasn’t on her way.
Or even worse- here already.
Oh my God, I thought. What if she was here? She came because I told her to. She could be dead. I couldn’t live with that on my chest.
If I lived.
The number wouldn’t even dial out.
No service.
Damn T-Mobile.
I tried again with no luck. I tried to call my mother. No luck.
Just as I was about to attempt to call the police, someone called out that the police were on their way.
I heard running outside the door.
I prayed to God that the police would arrive here on time, because they always took their time in the hood- killings were an everyday thing, so it was last priority for them.
Maybe things would be different since this was a school.
I prayed things would be different.
And then the door to the Internet Café opened.


Copyright © 2007 by Lucius McCall
All rights reserved.

I found it amazing...(draft)

I questioned if it was fate- me wearing the cashmere sweater that she picked out for me at the store. Or the gold key she gave me…the key to her heart at some time in the past.
Whatever, I shook it off- I couldn’t let her run my life, better yet- my night.
Yet I couldn’t shake her from my thoughts…
In the car with the boys, snapping and rolling, supermaning “ohhs”, and yelling “YaahhhBragalabragabralaba!” out the window couldn’t shake her out of my thoughts.
She has stained my thinking forever.
Or at least, what seems like forever.
I wondered if it was destiny when the guys and I were at the club entrance waiting to get in, and her and her comrades walked up, all in black, all in beautiful. My boy told me not to look to my right.
Sometimes I should listen…
Hugs were exchanged between men and women, every man to every woman- except her and I.
Didn’t expect it, therefore I wasn’t disappointed.
I was surprised that the line wasn’t around the block. This was an upscale club, and tonight was free. I expected to see people on every crevice of the street! Maybe a lot of people were already inside.
I wondered if it was just luck- her wearing the stunning dress that I made her get in place of a date…just to see her smile. Her smile lit up my way, and she was surely showing it tonight. The dress held her like I wanted to, showed her curves. Eye candy, and my eyes were going to have a sugar rush. Her hair was straight tonight, not the usual crazy curls that fit her character. I knew her calm hairstyle wouldn’t tame her tonight, though. I took a quick- at least the intention was quick- glance at her long, toned legs, down to her pedicured toes. She was wearing new heels.
My breath caught short in my chest, and I could just mutter one word, “Damn.”
I looked around- looked at anything that wasn’t her, and felt the breeze. It was a cold night. I let the ladies walk in first so they could get out of the frost.
“Thank you.” Her souldierettes repeated one by one as they walked in single file. I smiled at all of them- but her.
Hearing her say thank you made me smile inside, though.
I was in a real chill mood, maybe due to the coconut Bacardi and Coke I drank before I headed out. It was either I drank nothing, and remained myself, drank too little and remained chill, or drank more than a little and lost all of my cares.
At this moment I wished I drank more than a little.
I walked in, flashed my free pass, and walked around, examining the nightclub. Everyone was formally dressed for this affair- their attire bellowing the word ‘classy’. There were guys who tried, and guys who were doing it; women that looked blah, and women that looked marvelous. Attractive women, unattractive women, old face women, and women I recognized- there were a lot of women.
Nonetheless, there was only one on my mind at this time.
I linked up with the guys I came with, and we formed a chain. Not a good look for attracting women- however, that was the least of my worries tonight.
As the night eased by, more people came, more people danced, and more people drank. Tipsiness wafted around the club, and picked its victims carelessly.
I kept my eye off, but my mind rested on her.
Hours passed, glances exchanged- with anyone but her, and uneasiness worked its way up my spine. All of her friends came over one by one or two by two to talk to my crew and I. I always forced a smile, threw compliments their way, and wondered why the quarterback didn’t come with the team.
I didn’t want to know, so I didn’t ask.
Nobody but God and I knew how much I wanted our eyes to make contact. How much I wanted her to look into my eyes from across the room and smile- I return the smile as she makes her way across the room to me, a goal in her eye, purpose in her walk. Nobody but God and I knew how much I wanted her to stand in front of me, smirk, whisper something- anything in my ear, and grab my hand…lead me to a seat, allow me to sit first, then sit on my lap and give me all of her attention.
Jouissance.
Then reality smacked me in the face.
That type of stuff only happens in movies, huh?
It hurt me to know that we could be nothing more than friends – if that.
A female friend of mine came over to chat with me, and I entertained her for a little while- or, she may have entertained me because I was just standing there, drink in hand, looking around the club over and over as if it was my job. She talked and talked, and I yawned- her not the cause of the escaped air. At least I’d never tell if she was.
She then tried to dance with me, and I scooted away and let my man take the dance. She then scooted away from him and told me that I was too focused on my drink to realize who was in front of me trying to dance. I smiled, denied, and walked off.
I refused to kill any hope…
She- yes her- made her way over to where I was and passed by me. We exchanged glances, and she softly tugged on the key-that-used-to-belong-to-her-heart. I gave her a sly smile as she started to dance with her team, and the surrounding.
The night was reaching its climax.
And then the song I absolutely hated clicked on…Just my luck.
I’m single again,
back on the prowl,
I thought it was perfect,
I don’t know how
…'
I fixed my eyes in her opposite direction. I refused to look at her going crazy to this song- as every other single girl was doing.
I told my comrade I hated this song, and he asked why. I looked at him like he was retarded. He then told me that she wasn’t dancing to it.
I can’t explain the feeling.
I wondered if it was fate- that there was a river of R&B songs flowing- the same songs we used to play in the car as we sped to Atlantic Station to catch a late movie- Bonnie and Clyde style. I wanted to plug my ears.
I didn’t do any serious dancing, just enough to make people ‘think’ I was having fun- you know, a little head nod here, body rock there, two step here….
Then the reggae came on.
Me, having West Indian in my blood, had no control over the way my body moved when Sean Paul, Sizzla, Beenie Man- or whomever came on. I smiled and danced to the dutty whine music- with nobody to dutty whine with.
My man asked me permission to dance with her, and I granted his access- as if I had that control anymore. He waltzed over to her, and took her hand as she danced with her girls. She smiled at him, and continued to dance- rejected him without being blatant. She just wanted to dance with her girls tonight.
A friend of mine- known for his ignorance to the treatment of women- started to whisper things in my ear that made me want to push him away.
“Bruh, she want you. Just dance with her one time and make that call. You see she’s had drinks in her system, so she has no cares right now. You’re her security dude, man. She wanna have sex, but she don’t just wanna do any guy out here, so she can fall back to you. She still stuck on you, I know it. Dog, go dance with her, then make that call tonight. I bet she comes over.” He then started to move his body as if he were sexing an invisible woman.
Saying this to me, I really wondered what he said to every girl that passed him as he grabbed their arms and talked to them- the look of a hound in his eyes.
He was an animal.
He was a dog.
He was a guy.
“Bro,” I started my preaching. “You know my m-o. I’m not like that. I don’t want to have sex with her, man. That’s not my main goal with her. I respect her. I’d be happy to just ‘talk’ to her. I’d be thrilled if she just came over and laid with me. A kiss would be more than enough, b. More than enough.”
He smiled, because I didn’t say anything unexpected.
I looked at her dancing with her girls, having fun, smile on her face lighting up the room.
A song came on that made the people holding up the wall jump down. Everybody sitting down got up, and formed their positions. This song brought out the nasty in girls. It was about to get hot in here.
I wanted to dance with her, but rejection from her wouldn’t be like rejection from any other woman. I didn’t want to risk it, because the way I felt right now, rejection from her would send my night in a spin…right down the drain.
Forget it. I’m young, life’s short. I have to take chances while I’m here.
I walked over, got behind her, and whispered in her ear, “Can we dance?”
She looked back at me and smiled. “Sure.”
On contact, my world slowed down. She used to be- and proved she still was- my drug.
Relapse.
We started to dance, and it seemed like the world outside of us paused; as if a force field surrounded us, and covered us to protect us from people outside our circle- the people who didn’t understand what was going on inside. I knew people had to be dancing to this song, but I didn’t see them- I couldn’t see them. I heard people talking, but it was all in slow motion- I couldn’t make it out. I heard a couple “Go head, boy!” and “Get it, girl!” chants, but it meant nothing to me. I was focused on her.
We danced as if we had practiced for days and wanted to display our skill- though we didn’t. I held her thighs, pulled her close to me, and she pulled my shirt to get me as close to her as possible. We were in sync, on rhythm, we whined low, danced high, and followed the beat.
Or, the beat followed us.
I felt that powerful at that time.
She was like the gas to my car, the bullets to my gun, the check to my Nikes…
She didn’t make me, but she made me better.
I found it amazing how I felt when I danced with her. Almost as amazing as it felt when we used to do other things. More amazing than any weed, drink, or other female could make me feel. I felt love was an amazing thing- despite how much I hated it right now. Even though I really, really wanted to escape this quicksand, I still found it amazing, and wanted to play in it.
I found it amazing..like she was.
I was complete for a good four minutes.
Then it was done. The song ended, and the force field vanished as I released her.
I was ready to go. My night was complete.
She started to walk over to her friends, but I pulled her back over to me and gave her a hug.
Everything I wanted to say was said in that hug.
She smiled and walked away.
I found it truly amazing how she would go on with her life without a thought of how things would be- could be.
I know I couldn’t.
The guys and I went to go get some late night grub, and I wondered if it was a blessing that she walked into the same place with her friends thirty minutes later. I heard her laughing, saw her by the juke-box, witnessed how sweaty, and unraveled she looked- as most women looked after a party.
She was still stunning to me.
She had to leave for me to finish my egg biscuit.
The stain she left on my thoughts was visible for the rest of the night until I got home. I said farewell to the boys, and went to my room and laid down.
I wanted her with me.
But I couldn’t just jump from one extreme to another. A dance doesn’t mean she wants to be with me alone- just yet.
Wants and needs were two different things. I needed to separate them.
Just like dreams and reality.
I decided to test the temperature of the water. I texted her.
‘Goodnight, beautiful.’
She texted me back like a friend would.
I was content.

Copyright © 2007 by Lucius McCall
All rights reserved.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Different...

Damn...
I have two stories I wanted to finish and post tonight...
But Microsoft Word doesn't want to allow you to open 2007 word documents in a 2003 work program.
Awesome.
Smart, huh?
You would think the creator of Word would allow this option...
But NO.
Kinda like the PS3 not allowing you to play PS2 or PS1 games on it....

But anyway....

I'm a different type of dude...

Proved it to myself once again today...

I peeped my ex flirting- or what I thought was flirting- in front of me. It pissed me off, and I started stating how I felt to my boys. One of them looked at me and asked me
"Man, what do you think are his chances of beating?"
I looked at him like he was stupid.
I could care less about her having sex with another guy. Well not really, but that's the last of my worries. Peeping her smile and stare into another dude's eyes, and giving him all her attention hurts. i don't wanna see that. I don't care about his chances of having sex with her! Shoot, I'd rather her fuck him than look at him like she used to look at me! Holding hands, picnicing, kissing, laughing...etc. That's what I couldn't take. Not this soon...

Guys, life aint about sex and beating. There's more to life and love than that...I promise.

Peace & Blessings
Lucius McCall

Friday, January 25, 2008

She'll remain my phantom...

Phantom Always

"I CAN SEE YOU IN MY SLEEP
EVERY DREAM YOUR HAUNTING ME
ALL THE ANGLES AND LINES OF SIGHT
I CAN TELL IM IN YOUR EYES
NEVER ONCE IS MY MIND AT EASE
I CANT BREATHE
I CANT BELIEVE

GOD KNOWS ITS ALWAYS SOMETHING
THAT I CAN FEEL YOU COMING
EVERY MOVE I MAKE IN TIME AND SPACE

I KNOW YOURE THERE IN THE SHADOWS
EVERY BURDEN THAT I TRY TO SHAKE
I KNOW YOURE THERE
I FEEL YOU THERE
ALWAYS

THERES NOTHING I CAN DO TO FREE MYSELF FROM YOU
CANT GET AWAY
YOU HOLD MY WORDS TO THE LIGHT
REMINDING ME OF YESTERDAYS
HOW CAN I RELIVE THESE THOUGHTS
OVER AND OVER
DAY BY DAY

EVERY MOVE I MAKE IN TIME AND SPACE
I KNOW YOU’RE THERE IN THE SHADOWS
EVERY BURDEN THAT I TRY TO SHAKE
I KNOW YOU’RE THERE
I FEEL YOU THERE
EVERY MOMENT
ALWAYS
I KNOW YOU’RE THERE LIKE A PHANTOM
IN EVERY MOMENT
ALWAYS
I KNOW YOU’RE THERE
I FEEL YOU THERE

IN EVERYWAY
IN EVERYTHING
I KNOW YOU’RE RIGHT THERE WITH ME
I FEEL YOU RIGHT THERE BY ME"

--Kenna

The truth...lol

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Rainy Days...

Ah...I feel so good today.
Don't know why, but I do...
Maybe it's because my feelings inside matched the weather outside...
I was raining all day...started off as a drizzle...then the rain came down harder- in drops as big as dimes and as heavy as rice...
No thunder- that would have made it much better though.
Just simple rain to nourish the Earth...
The pit pat as I sat in class made me daydream...made me make choices...
it calmed me down...
It was pleasant. lol
I'm so lame...

Peace & Blessings
Lucius McCall

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

New Resolution...

Down a few notes/ blogs before this one, you may have read a note about my thoughts and resolutions for 2008. I figured it was pretty complete, but not finished...dig?
Then I realized...I forgot one resolution- an important one.
Here it is...

  • I resolve to no longer be with dumb girls! No, scratch that...that's all wrong. Let me reword...
  • I resolve to no longer be dumb with girls! Haha...it's crazy how switching words around can make something exceedingly different. But seriously...
I've been dumb with women in the past...I give them the benefit of the doubt, and refuse to believe the truth unless it burns me in the face, er- heart.

I choose to think what I would love to think, believe what I want to believe, and forget everything else...just cuz I want to be happy.

Like my ex...she refused to tell me that she didn't love me anymore and didn't wanna be with me, and didn't find me sexually attractive anymore (no worries, alot of other women think i am...I hope...lol), and basically was bored with me. She told me everything but that- excuse after excuse after excuse....but showed me that that was exactly how she felt.

And I believed her words and stayed around like a lovesick puppy with nowhere to go...

And I know she was probably pulling her hair thinking 'Damnit, when is this boy going to get it?! Is he stupid?? I'm done with him! What do I have to do for him to get it?!'

Well maybe she shouldn't lie to me...lol. That works too.

How about my ex to the second power who cheated on me with a girl...
she told me in all her actions that she was gay, but I ignored it cuz she TOLD me she wasn't. Blah

In conclusion...
Guys, girls- if somebody shows you who they are, believe them.
Please.

Peace & Blessings
Lucius McCall

Headphones...


I see my profile views going up...
It's making me smile :-)
Now FEEDBACK will have me in a state of jouissance!
Give it to me baby....haha

Think I'm weird.

Anyway, now to our feature presentation...

It's funny what you hear when you have your headphones on...and I'm not talking about music.
When you have headphones on, people automatically believe you're listening to something and not paying attention. Not necessarily right...lol

People start blabbering and you get alot of information...some you may wanna know, some you may not.
You may hear people talking about you- good or bad, you may hear about personal problems- maybe too personal, you may hear the likes of girls, guys, whoever! Whatever! You just hear alot...

I guess I just didn't know, but you may dissapear when you have headphones on...Maybe we become invisible. Sure seems like it..

It also helps alot in other ways...like when you don't want to be bothered.

When I discovered this, I didn't on purpose. I was just too lazy to pick my ear buds out. lol. But now I may be lazy alot more......haha

Try it.

Peace & Blessings
Lucius McCall

The tingling sensation begins...

Lately I've been going thru some stuff...fighting an inner battle...
things from the past.......
Things are getting much better though, and I'm feeling much better thank God.

But I read this...and damn. I WISH I could experience this RIGHT NOW!!

"The orgasm hit me with force, rose from someplace deep inside me, a place filled with hurt. Felt like every part of my body was shaking, trembling violently. I stroked Lola hard. She looked back at me, fear in her eyes, but her words telling me not to stop. The fear I had grabbed me, held me, reminded me of when I was a boy in Montreal, when I had been left alone, when I was terrified. My orgasm overwhelmed me, consumed me, and I made sounds like a wounded animal. I held Lola like I was afraid to let go, held her and struggled to get this out of my body.
I came groaning things in French, a language I hadn't used in a long time.
I came grabbing and moaning and grunting and thrusting.
I came pushing fear and bad memories out of my mind. I gritted my teeth, closed my eyes, released liquid stress, spewed out dark secrets, ejaculated pain, discharged my trepidation...
I gave her every memory.
Gave her every emotion I couldn't stand.
Then it was all gone."

--From Waking With Enemies by Eric Jerome Dickey (my favorite author. I don't wanna be him, I want to bypass him. That's another story though...haha. Please don't think he's a 'sex author'. The book's actually an action thriller...but the beginning is a sex scene- well detailed.)

And the tingling sensation begins....

damn...I really really wouldn't mind. I think I'd feel MUCH better afterwards too...
I shouldn't have to rely on that to feel good though...
but shoot- let's keep it funky. Let's get stinky.
Why do you think make up sex is so wonderful?
Or when you haven't had it in a while, why does it feel soooooooooo good????
ugh...being alone sucks.
Realize there's a difference between being alone and being lonely though...
Think about it.

Peace & Blessings
Lucius McCall

Smooth Jazz...passing on the word.

I LOVE JAZZ...

it's soothing...no words...but yet you still FEEL the music...it's amazing.
Can't wait till I'm 21 so I can go to a Jazz Club and meet my queen..OR go there with her. lol

but help yourself...

---The Best Smooth Jazz ...Ever

http://rapidshare.com/files/48087818/Various_Artists_-_The_Best_Smooth_Jazz..._Ever_.part1.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/48094475/Various_Artists_-_The_Best_Smooth_Jazz..._Ever_.part2.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/48078304/Various_Artists_-_The_Best_Smooth_Jazz..._Ever_.part3.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/48081397/Various_Artists_-_The_Best_Smooth_Jazz..._Ever_.part4.rar


Peace & Blessings
Lucius McCall

P.S. don't hesitate to ask if you need help...

Damn I hate being shy...

"It may seem that I don't even reckon you,
but I daydream about kissing on the neck a you." ---Fabolous

My whole life I've been shy...
No, let me take that back. i'm not a shy cat.
Once you get to know me, i'm very outgoing, spontaeous, crazy, and out of this world
-once you get to know me.
If I go somewhere and I'm alone and don't know anyone around, I'll stand there and chill. if a pretty girl smiles at me- or even LOOKS at me, I look away. lol
Shy cat...

If you talk to me, I'll unfold quick! But unless that happens....haha...good luck. lol

Some people take that to mean I'm full of myself, and I think I'm Mr. Doo Doo...no.

I'm very humble and nice...I just hate rejection.

I hate rejection, and I'm terrified of it.
I can't just get turned down and move to the next.
I get turned down...go home...think about it...dwell on it...wonder why? why didn't she give me her number?
Not to be cocky like there's no reason she shouldn't have- I just wanna know why!

This comes into play when there's a shorty I'm eyeing. People tell me all the time I can prob get HER (whomever she is), and I may even think so myself. But the thought and chance of getting rejected or turned down turns me right around. lol

I need to grow out of that- quick!

Cuz any girl worth anything is one you need to go after....chase....she's not gonna come easy- words from my mom and my best friend...lol.

it's true though...

Damn, I wish it was that easy, though...
can I get a smile, or a wave, or a hey?!
but wait...I may already get that...........lol
:-)
but what if she smiles, waves, and heys to everybody?! That's not an invitation...
or is it?
:-)

I need to be on that freaking 'Pickup Artist' show.

"LOOSE WIRES!
WE HAVE A CONNECTION
UNLIKE ANYONE.
LOOSE WIRES!
POSITIVE AND NEGATIVES BEEN UNDONE.
RUN FOR COVER!
PUT YOUR END ON MINE,
AND WE’LL HAVE SOME FUN.
LOOSE WIRES!
PUT YOUR END ON MINE,
AND WE’LL HAVE SOME FUN.

ISNT IT ELECTRIC IN HERE?
I WANNA KNOW WHAT IT'S ABOUT.
ISNT IT AMAZING IN HERE?
I WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT..."
--Kenna (Lose Wires)


Was feeling that song today for some reason...

Music and language- my two deep loves.

My escapes.

Always there when I need em, and they go along with each other so well.

the threesome is amazing...

How dare I cheat on them with these Earthling women out here?! lol...


Think I'm weird.


Peace & Blessings

Lucius McCall

Be As Blessed As You Can Bear


Sometimes seeing some things triggers other things....

And sometimes other things trigger other things...

Think about it.

Not the butterfly effect, but God...

Things happen for a reason...EVERYTHING...


I saw something simple today that made me think about life.


I was riding a shuttle bus around campus today, and I passed a freshman housing hall where I witnessed two boys just sleeping away in two hammocks...In plain view. The hammocks were tied around a couple trees, and there was a couple of things laid on the ground where they hung. They looked so peaceful, as if there wasn't a care in the world. They planned to take a nap, but decided to take one outside- in a hammock, not caring what anyone had to say!


I was jealous and wanted to steal their smiles.


I then thought about myself and wondered...why am I not in that state of bliss? What is there to worry about?

Money?

School?

Tests?

Girls?

Come on...

I'm way too blessed to be stressed, so I try not to...but sometimes stress may slip over the borders and make its way into my heart and mind...


I need some new borders. lol.


It's not too late to enjoy your life...Please try and do so. Make the most of everything, and don't dwell on your past. Love, live life, and laugh...Shoot, be a hippie if you need to. Take a deep breath- hold it............... then exhale. Smoke the weed of the world- the air we breath. Get a natural high...smile! :-)


"If life's a bitch, better make every day your wife..."--Fabolous


Live.

Peace & Blessings

Lucius McCall

Soulja Boy Tell ME! (no typo)

LMAO

I'll never ever understand...But I won't hate. I won't! How dare I?
I used to love his music before alot of people knew who he was, or took him serious. Well, not LOVE, but I found it amusing- entertaining. I followed I got me some Bathing Apes, heard the sucky rebuttal I got me some Jays, then laughed at Mr. Westside on the response I got me some haters!
I heard YAHH before there was a video, and I got crunk to We them 30/30 boys in the night- when we CREEP!...before many even knew who he was...I used to talk to my best friends about how I respected his hustle, because his webpage looked like a fan page, but he wasn't even as close to how huge he is now.

But how????
300 Million, not thousand- MILLION ringtone sales?!
650+ THOUSAND record sales?! Especially during these times where there has to be controversy for people to buy a hip hop album...lol. Sales are at an all time low...
How did he do it?

I was one of the many to see Cash Camp crank the video...

Would soulja boy even be where he is now without Cash Camp?
They created the dance, was the first to put it out on the net, and now where are they?
I mean, they did make crank dat yank-


which was much better than the many other dozens of crank copies...

No pun intended. lol

But how did he do it? What makes this happen?
He is NOMINATED for a GRAMMY!
EVERYBODY knows who he is, and ALOT of people have tried to copy, but have fallen short...
how?

Soulja Boy Off In This Hoe
Watch Me Lean And Watch Me Rock
Super Man Dat Hoe
Then Watch Me Crank Dat Robocop
Super Fresh, Now Watch Me Jock
Jocking On Them Haterz Man
When I Do Dat Soulja Boy
I Lean To The Left And Crank Dat Dance
(Now Youull)
I'm Jocking On Yo Bitch Ass
And If We Get To Fightin
Then I'm Cocking On Your Bitch
You Catch Me At Yo Local Party
Yes I Crank It Everyday
Haterz Get Mad Cuz
"I Got Me Some Bathin Apes"
---verse from Crank Dat

I could ask the same about Shawty Lo...lol


I'll never Understand.
I BETTER get somewhere with this freaking writing!
Peace & Blessings
Lucius McCall

Go on girl (remix) draft...


((beat drops))

GQ-
(uh...uh huh
Go on, baby...go on girl, go on girl, go on...uh)
See, we went from kissing to no kissing, hugging to no hugging
touching to no touching, loving to no love...
Hollywood to low budget;
She controlled my heart, which controlled me
- i was her puppet
After giving my whole heart, I had nothing else to bring her
Attempted to give my whole body while she just gave me a finger...
no, wait- she just gave me the finger
Absent from this relationship while I still linger
In hopes that the motor can be fixed so we can move forward
But like many other things, she got bored with this voyage
I was her doll; she played me like a toy,
And like a little girl, left me alone when I wasn't wanted anymore
But its okay, that's your forte, you can downgrade, to burgers- from steaks
I know it's easy as a button to swap me in your Fab 5, but see how easy it is replacing me in your damn life

Neyo-
I can't get it back, but I don't want it back,
I realized that, she don't know how to act
Never been a dumb dude, no im not dense
I just had a slight lack of common sense
I was the good guy, she was the bad girl
Im thinking one girl, she thinking me, Earl James and Jimmy
Yep, she had plenty
But love for me- she didnt have any.

I was inviting... her into my heart
But she was out riding... in some other man's car
She was my night time... thought I was her star
Guess I was wrong, but see im strong
It won't take me long for me to move on, oh

(Hook)
Please dont worry bout me im fine
(Please dont worry bout me im fine)
Only gonna play the fool one time
(Only gonna play the fool one time)
Trust me when I say,
that i'll be ok
Go on girl(Go on girl)
Go on girl(Go on girl)
Go on girl ...

I can't get it back, but I dont want it back
I realized that she dont know how to act
Tried to settle down and look what I get
Thought it was my time, but I guess not yet
She at the bar getting drinks from many men
Im in the house, thinking shes with her girlfriends
TRUST, but NOT KNOWING,
truly NOT knowing
I look back now like, man, I was open

I was inviting... her into my heart
But she was out riding... in some other man's car
She was my night time... thought I was her star
Guess I was wrong, but see im strong
Wont take me long for me to move on, oh

(Hook)
Please dont worry bout me im fine
(Please dont worry bout me im fine)
Only gonna play the fool one time
(Only gonna play the fool one time)
Trust me when I say
That i'll be ok
Go on girl (Go on girl)
Go on girl (Go on girl)
Go on girl

(Bridge)
The mistake i made is clear
(we never shoulda been together)
Thats the reason youre not here
(I know that I can do much better)
Not a single salty tear,
Not a feeling in my chest,
Baby im feeling no stress,
Im too fly to be depressed....

GQ-
No different from my exes, and I moved on from them,
So I really shouldn't have a problem moving on again
She's blind to what we were, dead to what we could be
Guess I'ma have to leave for her to finally see
Dealing with low budget won't be happening again,
cuz when I find Miss Hollywood we'll have a happy ending
I don't grip on to nothing- I refuse to hold on, so...

Neyo-
Go on Girl
(Go on Girl)
Go on Girl
(Go on Girl)

(Hook)
Please dont worry bout me im fine
(Please dont worry bout me im fine)
Only gonna play the fool one time
(Only gonna play the fool one time)
Trust me when I say
That i'll be ok
Go on girl (Go on girl)
Go on girl (Go on girl)
Go on girl

GQ-
It's okay, baby- I'll have fun with the boys,
hey beautiful, my name's GQ- what's your's?
it's okay love- I'll have fun with my dudes,
hey gorgeous, I think I should get to know you....

((beat fades))



Copyright © 2007 by Lucius McCall
All rights reserved.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Time or Chip??

If there was a way to get your degree by getting a chip put in your brain that held all the information you needed to know, would you do it? Or are you enjoying your college years? It'd save time...no more test taking...no more rushing to class...no more stress...all the information you would have found out in 4 years could be in your mind in a month's time surgery operation. would you do it?

I wouldn't...
I'm enjoying college.

It's so much more than class and notes and tests to me...
I believe it's forming me to be a better person.
I hope it's doing the same for you.

Peace & Blessings
Lucius McCall

Static by Kenna...wonderful

Don't know if I want you to understand me
don't know if I want you to understand me
don't know if I want you to understand me
or go
don't know if I want you to see through me
I confess this heavy heart has me on my knees
dont know if I want you to see through me, or go
or go
or go
or go

cause it feels like static when you're here
static when you're gone
static everywhere
static everytime

love come and bless me
show me how it feels
been here time before and it wasnt real
don't know if I want you to understand me or go
can't blame you dove when the blame is mine
to love and let go was never the design
don't know if I want you to see through me or go

cause it feels like static when you're here
static when you're gone
static everywhere
static everytime
everytime

even as my demons leave
unsure if I want you to see through me
don't know if I want you to understand me or go
let go
go go

---Kenna

Love- stupid choice? or stronger?


I know, I know...I talk about love and relationsips alot...as if there's nothing else to talk about. Shut up, and leave me alone and read...lol.

Look at this picture...think about it for a minute...yes- 60 seconds...then let your thoughts rest in your head...

This picture is deep...I had to snatch it as soon as I saw it. lol.

Now go back to your thoughts...what did you think about this?

I think there can be only two different thoughts going on...black or white...hate or love.

1) this man is an idiot. There is no such thing as 'love' these days, and his dumb behind traded everything for it. He basically traded everything for nothing. now he has nothing, not even love-which is what he gave everything for. Now he's a bum on the side of the street, looking unhappy and hopeless. I should slap him. I hope he learned his lesson.

or...

2) This man is probably the strongest man I know. Maybe not the smartest, but definately the strongest. He gave and gave and gave, in hopes for receiveing (i before e, except after c...lol) what he's longed for his whole life. I think a person who can give their all to love, and be oblivious (or just not care) to the consequences that there MAY be...is strong. Alot of people run from love, and hurt others to keep from hurting themselves- a very selfish strategy, but safe...Its so much easier to hate than it is to love...hating takes no effort, you can just erase someone from your life for good and be done with it. But love takes time and effort and persistence and patience...
Love is work.
Now for this man it seems that he lost everything working for love...
But I think he's satisfied with himself- knowing that he at least tried.
He's strong...this is why he loves. The weak hate- it's easy, so why not?

By love, i don't mean only relationship love, marriage, and things of the sort...
Love is much deeper than that. I'm talking about the feelings that stop wars, hold relationships together, make you forgive...etc. LOVE...

of course you know I'm a person who agrees with the 2nd way of thinking...

Hope this had an impact on you HATEFUL people...lol.
And I also hope there are those out there that agree with me...


Peace & Blessings
Lucius McCall

Sunday, January 13, 2008

I get sick...

Damn...
I can't stand to hear her name, yet it's everywhere.
People mention it, and I get sick to my stomach...
Telling me where she is, and what she's doing...
I really would rather not hear about that...

'Make me Better'- the song I put her on to...OUR song...
it comes on at the club. I get sick...
First time I can't text her and tell her our song is on...
I'm sure there'll be many more times like that...

Can't even listen to Alicia Keys or J. Holiday...
I get sick...

She sends me a text message.
Not a message saying she was tripping and she doesn't wanna lose me.
Some unpersonal thing like 'what are you doing?'...
Of course I respond...then get sick waiting for her response.
Blah...

Reader, you can think I'm sensitive all you want...
But love is a feeling. Not a thought.
You don't just think it...it's a feeling. Its a part of you...from the time you're in, to the time you're out...even until after you THINK you're out....

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Released...

Pardon me, but I'm still feeling the results from the blueberry muffins I ate, if ya know what I meannnnnnn! lol.

I mean, sometimes you may just need a bite- or two, of that muffin to make you forget about some things...
Don't get me wrong, I never BUY muffins, nor do I eat them all the time...but sometimes you need em.

:-)

anyway, to our feature presentation...

Love is like quicksand...seriously.
When you fall into that, there's no getting out! Just like quicksand...
You may try, and try, but there's no getting out...you just sink deeper, and deeper............
Well, lucky me- I was pulled out of the 'love-quicksand' rapidly- by REALITY.
And now I'm free!

Love...it's like jail.
When you fall in love, you lose your mind...just like when you spend time in jail. You make irraritonal decisions...and don't use logic to think. Someone you love can lie to you OVER and OVER and OVER, and you just forget, and forget, and forget...lol. It makes you crazy.

When you're in love, you lose your grasp of what's really important, and what's not. Like friends, who've been there for yearssssssss. Family who never lets you down, nor WILL never let you down....They get tossed to the side for a girl/boy you've known for 6 months that you may 'love'. The person you love must always come first...must always remain happy.

I tried to keep her happy...gave her all of me.
how?
hmmmm....let's see...picnics on the front lawn of our University, Cd full of songs dedicated to her- picked especially for her, her favorite artist (at the time)'s album, rides to places she needed to go when we were in town, took her to see her favorite movie- after I saw it already, ATE THAT SHIT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN LIFE(not literal 'shit', but you dig), brought her to have thanksgiving dinner with my fam, when she had no one to eat with, when her pops was calling her a stupid bitch and slapping her around and she had nowhere to escape, I came to the rescue in the Black Pearl- my black horse, and took her from the man who had no respect for her- AND made sure she had a place to crash until things cooled down, um...when she went home for thanksgiving and was supposed to stay with her best friend cuz her parents didn't care what happened to her over break- they were outta town, I helped her get in and out of her house, took her to get things to eat, made sure she was entertained, took her to her job..., got her a stuffed puppy with the last of my loot before Christmas, helped her with a job application that she didn't know how to fill out, supported her EVERY move (which loses me, because the reason she doesn't wanna be with me is because she'll 'lose her focus'. My roomate asked if i really believed that shit. I said no...haha), deaded the rumors going around about her because she was just letting it slide with a damn smile on her face, respected her when no one else did, respected her when she didn't respect herself, loved her when she didn't love herself, BENT OVER BACKWARDS TO SEE THAT BEAUTIFUL SMILE (seriously, her smile makes me melt to this day...I lived to see her do it. It's like Medusa, one look and you turn to stone), stuck around after she was treating me like her damn love sick puppy- like there was no place else to go...just to name a few things...haha. That aint even the half...
Its funny how easily people forget...

Like jail, you can serve love...but love won't serve you.

I was in love. Don't know what the hell she was in, cuz it sure wasn't that. lol
She wasn't imprisoned like I was.
I couldn't function without having her...If she wasn't happy, I wasn't happy. If she wanted something, or I even THOUGHT she wasnted something- she had it. No matter what.
I was on lock down. Not gonna lie...not gonna bash...just gonna show real facts like TRU TV.
It was like jail.

My mother told me she realized that me and my best friend loved to be treated like shit. lol. I laughed at her...said nothing else, because that's what she could see- as well as the rest of the world. I used to tell her she doesn't know everything...
But she does...she truly always knows.
Like when the girl first met my mother and my mother said she seemed like a.........
We not gonna get into that.
I aint callin no names- if the heel fits- wear it.

I mean...dealing with the Earth, you can't be used to something like me. You saw how people reacted to aliens and UFOs...
some people aren't ready for that type of thing, so they don't know how to handle it. So they mishandle it... as she did.

Yo Cupid! I respect what you're doing, but you have to learn to shoot better! Tired of the scars from falling in love! I need a girl to catch me when I stumble!

"Show me how to move, that's why I never trip..."- a line from our song.
hahahahahaha- please.

Shorty feeling herself...she done found her swag. amazing how much I had to do with who she is now...
even the bad :-(

I find it so sad how people can just change- for the WORSE. She used to be perfect...a damn angel. I wanted us to run to the sun, and bask in its glorious heat...
and if she aint wanna run, I'd bring it down to her.

Well, as of 5:37 pm, Lucius has been released once again from the bars of love, and is ready to see what else is out there. It's just like leaving jail- all these thoughts swarm your head, and you don't know what to do first! You're just GLAD you're out- IF you were put there for the wrong reasons, like I. My first stop is the Chinese store. I'm craving some wings and fried rice!

Don't get me wrong...I'll always remember jail, er- love. There were good times, there were bad...more of the latter towards the end- but the experience was for learning, as much experiences are. I'll never forget the time I spent- the time I can never get back, so I can't just erase it from my mind. I have to accept it, and move on and learn from my mistakes. The mistakes that I keep making over and over and over again...

What I do is the definition of insanity, so I guess I'm pretty crazy...

but hey, that's what love does to ya.

"The mistake i made is clear (we never shoulda been together)
Thats the reason youre not here (I know that I can do much better)
Not a single salty tear...
Not a feeling in my chest...
Baby im feeling no stress...
Im too fly to be depressed"

Go on girl...Go on girl...haha...That's my new anthem. Remix already in progess...
I wish her the best of luck, though...word. No bad blood there, no hate...just peace and love...LMflyAO.

I'll just listen to my NeYo, and Lou Rawls...

Peace & Blessings
Lucius McCall

P.S. Evolution of a Relationship. Coming soon. Don't miss it!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

uhhhh...what the hell? Trey and Plies??

Wow, so I'm on my hip hop site that I visit daily, and I see a new joint.

TREY SONGS CAN'T HELP BUT WAIT REMIX!
I was excited to hear it, cuz I loved the song- did my own remix....
...and then I saw who remixed it.

Plies

Ever since Plies stuck his head up out of his Florida ground, I've disliked him. I think he's not talented. I haven't heard ONE song by him that made me hit rewind. When he comes on BET, I change the channel. He's just another rapper bringing black Americans down...
with his sagging pants and southern drawl.

ugh

"Pussy ass crackers'll give a nigga a hundred years..."
--Plies

No kinda talent...

I don't even want to listen. If you hear it, let me know if you like it. THEN, let me know if it's better than the remix I created...

check it out:

hold that thought...gotta go!

You're gonna miss my loving!

You know...when you're feeling a certain way, and you need someone or something to relate, sometimes music does the trick. Be it hip hop, country, rock, or R&B...there's a certain song out there that will match the way you're feeling....

You may argue, but I feel that old R&B, like Marvin Gaye, Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles, James Brown, Barry White...I feel nothing will ever replace that genre of music. It has substance, something you can FEEL.

Well, Lucius is back in the same pot he always end up in...
I went from relating to Show and Tell by Lou Rawls, and Never Ever Ever Gonna Give You Up by Barry White to You're Gonna Miss My Loving by Lou.

It's amazing how the song describes exactly how I feel.

"You'll never find, as long as you live
Someone who loves you tender like I do
You'll never find, no matter where you search
Someone who cares about you the way I do
Whoa, I'm not braggin' on myself, baby
But I'm the one who loves you
And there's no one else! No-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh one else
You'll never find, it'll take the end of all time
Someone to understand you like I do
You'll never find the rhythm, the rhyme
All the magic we shared, just us two
Whoa, I'm not tryin' to make you stay, baby
But I know some how, some day, some way
You are (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh (you're gonna miss my lovin')
Late in the midnight hour, baby (you're gonna miss my lovin')
When it's cold outside (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove
You'll never find another love like mine
Someone who needs you like I do
You'll never see what you've found in me
You'll keep searching and searching your whole life through
Whoa, I don't wish you no bad luck, baby
But there's no ifs and buts or maybes
(You're gonna) You're gonna miss (miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
I know you're gonna my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh (you're gonna miss my lovin')
Late in the midnight hour, baby (you're gonna miss my lovin')
When it gets real cold outside (you're gonna miss my lovin')
I know, I know that you are gonna miss my lo-o-ove
Let me tell you that you're gonna miss my lovin'
Yes you will, baby (you're gonna miss my lovin')
When I'm long gone
I know, I know, I know that you are gonna miss..."

If ya dig me, ya dig me...if ya don't, ya don't...
He was not talking about sex...he was referring to EVERYTHING else a man can do to make his woman feel like a queen, every second of every day...
The things I did...
I love Lou Rawls.

Peace & Blessings
Lucius McCall

Irresistible- Final

She was irresistible.
I could see her whole body as I looked through the peephole of my apartment door. I could see her long, silky dark brown hair resting over her shoulders. I could see her beautiful, round light brown eyes that placed me in a trance every time I looked into them. Her perfect nose, her voluptuous full lips, her long tongue that ran over them slowly- made them wet which was sexy to me. Her firm breasts I could see through the low cut shirt she was wearing which held no flaws under the shirt, under the bra. Her caramel colored skin, which was always glimmering as if she were an angel, her Coke bottle figure- all 5 feet, 5 inches of it- the curves that she stuffed in her True Religion Jeans.
She was sexy.
No, beautiful.
No…there were actually no words for her appearance. Period.
She rang the doorbell again, and I reluctantly opened the door. What we were doing wasn’t right, and we needed to stop, but-she was... irresistible.
“Yes, Jasmine?” I looked above her, because I wouldn’t dare look into her eyes. That was just setting myself up.
“Can I come in?” She asked.
“Jasmine,” I exhaled. “You know this isn’t right. Why are you here?”
“What’s wrong, I can’t come see an old friend?” She tried to step in, because she knew that once she was in, I wasn’t going to tell her to leave.
I stood my place.
“Are you going to move over so I can come in? I just want to chill with you. You know, talk.” She chuckled as she slipped by. I knew better.
She headed to my room, and I followed her. There were no words to speak.
I entered my room, and she turned around to face me. “Close and lock the door.” She demanded. An aggressive girl was always a turn on for me.I closed the door, pressed the lock, and she walked over to me and stuck her tongue into my mouth. Her kiss was not like any kiss I've ever experienced. Her tongue was like a slick snake- it was like she had total control over it. Her full were lips pressed against mine, and her tongue was in my mouth, sliding over my teeth, wrestling with my tongue, licking my lips. I pulled away.
“Jasmine, you have to go.” I tried to back up, but she grabbed my shirt. “Please stop, baby girl.”
“You want me to leave? Are you sure?” She slowly got down on her knees, and started to fiddle with my belt. What she was about to do was my kryptonite; there was no way I was telling her to go now. Oral sex, head, brain, whatever you want to call it- it was my favorite thing to give and receive. Nobody could do it like Jasmine, and I didn’t know when I would get it as good again. She wasn’t going anywhere tonight. She pulled out my already erect controller and stared at it. I doubted there was any more blood in my head…all of it was probably down there. I shivered.
“Damn, baby calm down.” She pursed her lips and kissed it. It gave me chills. “I’m going to take care of you.” I closed my eyes and let out a moan as she wrapped her lips around my head. I sucked in a sharp breath and held it…..She started to suck his two followers softly, my favorite part other than her licking the shaft- which she did next,slowly. I looked down and saw her staring at her job, her job that she does so well. She said she couldn't call it work if it was a job she loved... Concentrating. This turned me on more than when she looks up into my eyes as she continues to suck, as well as run her soft hands with manicured nails across my chest, and tight stomach. Wet sounds reached my ears as she sucked harder and sent my mind away to a place...a place I could never go unless she was with me...A place with no name, but all feelings. My manhood throbbed, and I knew that I would be releasing soon.
She stopped.
Smart woman.
“No, no baby.” She purred. "It’s my turn now."She walked backwards slowly to the bed, and pulled down her pants. I knew what she wanted, and I knew what I wanted, so in order to get what I wanted I had to give her hers. And I never had a problem with it other than the moral. I started giving oral sex when I first fell in love, and it was never a problem to me. I mean, I didn’t enjoy it- but I knew how to please my woman. And the way they moaned and cringed when I did it turned, as well as kept me, on. Then I met Jasmine, and I started to love doing it. She was tasty, as nasty as it may sound, but it was the truth. I loved her juices, and I loved the sounds she made as I did it. I pulled off her pants, and she pulled my shirt towards her, pushing my head to her lips. The kiss of all kisses. It was short. She pushed my head away, and I knew she wanted me to get to work. I got on my knees as her legs folded over the side of the bed. I got to work. I parted her lips with my tongue and let my tongue take on a mind of its own.
Mmmmm...she tasted like honey.
I flicked her clit on and off like a light switch, and I felt the power surging through her body. Faster and faster I flicked my tounge until I felt her leg stiffen. I then slowed down and started to cause a tornado with her rain. Sweet rain. Her moans stopped abruptly, as if they were stuck in her body, yet her body told me they wanted OUT. She moaned, and came, moaned and came some more, as I wrote my name with my tongue between her lips under her navel…flicked her clit with my tongue, and sucked the precious juices out of her. She pulled back, and I knew she wanted something else.
She wanted something hard that could go deeper.
She was hungry, and she wanted some beef. And the cow wanted her. I rose from the floor, and joined her on the bed, on top of her, passionate kisses- kisses we shared as if we were hungry for each other; kisses that felt that if we stopped, we would be doomed to eternal distress; kisses that we both yearned for. I pulled off her shirt, and pulled up her bra and started to feast on the most perfect breast I’ve ever seen in my life. I sucked them, licked them, and pushed them together so I could fit both nipples in my mouth. She loved every bit of it. I positioned myself and slowly entered her love, her love wrapping around mine, so warm…she remained tight as my dress game, wet as a river, shit- Niagara Falls. It felt so good, as I thrust, stroked, and stuffed, all the while taking passionate kisses. By taking, I meant that we were now pulling each other, grabbing reach other, raping each other, as she pulled me in deeper, her legs wrapped around my waist. She started to suck on my neck, harder, and harder. I went in real deep and she growled and started to bite me. I loved that shit. We were two animals in bed; naked, sweaty, ripping each other apart, mating. I put her feet on my shoulder and bent forward so i could go deeper. She then became the tamed, and tried to scoot back away from me on the bed. No, nah- she wasn't about to escape. I pulled her forward.
"You can't get away now baby girl. You did this. You wanted this."
I growled as I flipped her over on all fours, and entered her from the back. She was holding the moans in, but I pushed them out of her when I did that, and continued to pump them out of her. There was something about doggystyle that I loved. I didn't know if it was the sight of her ass as I thrust into her, the softness of it as i grabbed it and slapped it, or if it was the fact that she was surrendering herself to me. All I know is, it's perfect. I grabbed her hair, and pulled her face back to mine. She sucked my kiss, like the legendary rock song.
I felt I was about to cum so I slowed my speed. She knew what I was doing and she begged me not to stop, faster, faster…we were one in the bed, lusting for each other’s pleasure- and getting it. Almost there…....oh shit....oh shit....almo--....ughh....she reached back for me and ordered me to 'fuck' her...I did...my breath got caught in my throat as my eyes rolled to the back of my head...almost...............
there!
I came inside her, exploded like a volcano, or a bottle of champagne. Expensive champagne. She moaned reached behind her to pull me closer. I started to collapse onto her back, my body shutting down limb my limb, coming down as if i were defeated- or a car that ran out of gas, holding her waist the whole time. Pulling myself close. You may think that men don’t have multiple orgasms, but I did that night.
As my third leg stayed inside her I got chills, started to shake…it’s funny how sex makes you do things you wouldn’t do if you weren’t floating in ecstasy. You love to feel hurt, you shake, tremble, murmur, mumble things you normally wouldn’t…Sex is crazy.
Sex is a drug.
I pulled out, and she turned around to face me with a groan.
She said she wanted that piece of me to be inside her forever. I lay on top of her as my senses returned.
We laid there as one, calm, moaning randomly with her legs wrapped tight around me, and her arms around my neck pulling me closer as if she would never let me go. I loved it when she did that. We kissed. Our last long, passionate kiss of the night lasted about three minutes.
Then we lay.
I thought.
We were laying there for about ten minutes, me holding her, and her legs holding me, when she snapped me out of my ecstasy, broke my high, shattered my tips- with the three words she whispered in my ear.
“I love you.”
I laid there in silence. I knew she was waiting for my response.
“Did you hear me?” She asked, looking into my eyes.
“You don’t mean that.”
Silence.
“Yes I do.” She whispered. “I love you.”
She tried to kiss me again, but I pulled away. Love was a word that I only said to people when I meant it. Love was serious. I loved my first love, I loved my mother, I loved my family, and I loved my boys. But her? I couldn’t love her. Any other female that I shared this action with, of course- but not her. I couldn’t…
-but…
-she was irresistible.
I couldn’t resist her, but she wasn’t mine…
-and love wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t my brother’s fiancée.
-Lucius McCall

It snowed in Georgia today...


Its snowing outside the school,
and all I can think of is walking outside holding hands with you.
How i wanna kiss you with a snowflake on my tounge;
feeling each other's warmth is all i want.
snowflakes look alike, but none are the same,
so when you say i'm like every other boy, i claim snowflake.
all of us are special in our own way,
but none of them can flake just like i flake.
they're the ones that slip, i'm the one that sticks,
they're the ones that burn your mouth while i feel pleasant on your lips;
i'm the one you wanna lay on and spread your arms and legs,
they're the ones that hit you in your face- why are they the ones you dont forget?
I'm the one that comes, sticks, then melts on your driveway-
as you pour salt on me, and make me go- it hurts to leave.
when you play with me, it's intense, so much fun.
come aggressive, then rest on your chest and your bum.
you can mold me into whatever you want.
what I come out as is up 2 u, baby girl...
when it snows in Georgia, it reminds me of you;
rarely comes thru, but when it does, so so special.
once in a blue moon a girl like you comes around,
and when she does, i savor the moment...
try to build something big and special, kinda like a snowman.
bless her with karots...like the nose...
keep her appearance clean, from her head to her toes-
but on the inside there may be some dirty snow,
cuz a couple things inside of what we build is dirty, yo.
the beauty we built dissapears as the rain hits it
-such as my heart falls apart when the pain hits it.
so i just sit back and wait for another time of snow...
beautiful as an angel, pure, slowly down you float.

Lucius McCall

Diamond

A diamond...
-colorless, and pure- like love is
alluring, so you can't do anything but love it
You were a diamond, but they treated you like glass
remained a diamond, so i won't judge you on your past
came hard from pressure, emerges you
no number two, boo- there was just you
with unique cuts, you shine so bright
Saw you, and like a diamond- had to make you mine
Got you, now i'm blinging with you on my arm
resting on my chest as I lay, embracing your charm
then I had to listen to the dirt about your past
alot of heat, pressure, darkness, and dirt in your past
They tricked you, traded attention for your innocence
You didn't even realize your value, so ignorantly you were into it
But no more, I'm going to treat you like your cost:
PRICELESS
- all those other fools have lost
see they had you temporarily, i have you for good
I'm also getting all the things that they wish they could
Everytime i'm in trouble, you have my back
Thet's why in return I'll try my hardest to get your shine back
When you smile, your face glows- my heart also melts,
And i wonder why something from heaven can go thru so much hell
but its ok, you're uncrushable- unlike their shells
and you can take all the heat because diamonds dont melt
you're close; wrapped around my finger- BUT you make me
these others SEEM like diamonds, but we kno they're faking
cubic zirconia- try to, but aint you
jealousy and envy cause them to hate you
they spread their little nonsense, try to break you
but they'll only get my attention if i choose to downgrade, boo
On days full of heat, i hold you then turn cool
Now I'm sweating, can't think cuz I think I lost you
you can't be gone, I hear them say diamonds are forever
You're my diamond... therefore you are mine forever