Blinded by Pain- Excerpt 1

I appreciated Alicia sitting there and listening to me vent about my man problems. It’s kind of funny, because I heard if you add ‘I’ to man problems, they became ‘main’ problems. It made sense; it was true. I tried to talk to my mom, as well as others, but nobody could give me better advice then my best friend. She was a year older then me, so I could look up to her, but not too old, so she could relate. Getting advice from her was weird though, because she kept it short and blunt. She listened without interrupting, and then gave me a short lecture that explained so much and made so much sense. It stayed while I was in her presence, but sadly when we would depart it would slowly disappear as my former thoughts eased its way back into my mind.
She was a pretty girl, whom you may call ‘artsy’. She went to Savannah College of Art and Design where she was majoring in Graphic Design. She had short hair, the Kelis look, and she always did weird things with it, like put parts in it, hearts in it-she even put a small hand with its middle finger up in the back of her head. Bossy. She wore long skirts, wooden earrings, bead chains, and flips flops. She wasn’t the typical beauty, but she was a beauty- at least all the males thought so. I was glad to be her friend, because she wasn’t the type to hang out with females, she said they caused too much drama.
I would only see her once or twice a month since summer classes were taking up her time- as well as a job, and a fiancée’. She also lived about a half- hour away, and went to a college an hour and a half away. Seeing her was scarce, but when I did, it was all love.
We were sitting on couches in our favorite coffee spot, PJ’s, chatting it up like good old times and enjoying hot drinks with brownies. We loved PJ’s because the customer service was so cool. They were free spirited, and funny- they made you feel like you were at home. Plus, their drinks tasted better than, but were cheaper than Starbucks. There were other things to spend money on nowadays, and a ten dollar cup of coffee was not one of them. Alicia got me hooked to drinking hot drinks in the winter, fall, spring, or summer. She said that smooth, hot drinks eased your brain, calmed you, and made your deep thoughts flow. I don’t know how, or why, but that’s what she said. It didn’t matter, because their white hot chocolate was heaven in a cup.
Alicia was sitting in front of me, legs crossed, cup in hand, waiting for me to start speaking. She could tell there was a problem by my actions, and how I begged her to come see me so we could talk face to face about it. We arranged for the meet to be today and ever since, I was anxious about it. I didn’t feel I as ready to hear Alicia’s response. It was time to start.
“I just don’t feel the connection anymore, Alicia.” I carried on. “It doesn’t make sense to me because I’ve given him everything! I have been nothing but a good girlfriend to him. We’ve been together for over a year, and he’s just now starting to act up. Why do all the men act up and change as soon as it’s too late; as soon as you fall for them?”
She paused before she started with the questions.
“How is he acting up?” she took a sip of her white hot chocolate.
“He doesn’t call anymore, no texts, no little messages” I started. “He just doesn’t do anything special for me anymore, Alicia.”
“And he used to?”
“Yes. He used to call every day, every night, after work and during his break. We would talk in the middle of the night, all day, and all night until morning. It was like we could never let each other go. He would send me cacti and ferns, surprise me with chocolate, and give me talking teddy bears with him saying something sweet! He would send me sweet little text messages just to let me know he was ‘thinking about me’. Now I can’t remember the last time he did any of that. Every time I talk to him, it seems like he has an attitude. To hear him happy, I have to listen to the teddy bear!”
“Cacti and ferns?” Alicia smirked. “You get love from a teddy bear?”
“He said it represented our love- forever living with simple things to keep it alive and painful to outsiders.” I ignored her other comment after realizing how stupid I sounded.
Alicia tried to hide a smile as she looked down and took a bite of the brownie.
“With all that talking, you never ran out of anything to talk about?” She questioned.
“See that’s one of the things that made me fall in love with him. We talked about any and every thing. He always made me laugh, even when I was mad or sad- at him! It was crazy, he was like my battery! I would be dead tired, then I would get a call from him, and I would be able to stay awake and alert hours later.”
“How are the conversations now?”
I paused. “Well, we hardly talk, and when we do it’s about nothing. And he has ‘to go’ a lot, says he’ll call me back, and never does.”
I watched her take another sip. Sometimes her silence made me nervous.
“Do you ever call him when he says he’ll call you back and never does?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“I remember him telling me a while ago that one of his pet peeves was girls that call him after being told that they will get called back, and girls that call and leave messages, then call again. I didn’t want to annoy him. Plus he has friends, and a job. I don’t want to bother him”
“This guy is telling you he’s going to call you, and he’s not calling you. This has happened more than once. Don’t you think you have a good enough reason to be calling him?”
It was my turn to be silent. I guess to Alicia it meant that this was an opportunity to dig deeper- which she did.
“How’s the sex?”
“Well-”
“Honestly. I don’t want to hear about how it feels so good to sex somebody you love- I want to hear real shit. Is the dick good, or not? Can he lay it down, pick it up, then lay it down again? Or is he in need of porno for ideas, and some Viagra for a hard-on?”
This was the first time she had ever interrupted me. I could tell she was irritated.
“Well, he’s a decent size, and he has no problem getting it up, it’s just that he’s…plain. It’s the same thing every time. We make out, he gets on top, he cums, we done”
“How long does it take him to cum?”
“Seven minutes.”
She gave me a blank stare.
“Or more?”
“He ever use that tongue?”
“No, he’s very old fashioned. He says real men don't get on their knees for nothing. He wasn’t even freaky when I met him. He swears he wasn’t a virgin, but he sure doesn’t act like that.”
“You were a virgin, correct?”
“Yes, Alicia.”
“No freak in him at all?”
“I made him read a Zane book before.”
“Did it work?”
“No.”
“Do you enjoy this lifeless, boring, redundant sex?”
I chuckled. “I love to please him, so yes.”
“But he doesn’t please you…”
She chewed on a brownie and stared at me.
“I actually think sex is over rated.”
“That, my friend, is because you haven’t had good sex!”
I sipped my hot chocolate and looked away. There was no being right with Alicia. And it sucked more, because you knew she was right.
“Okay, he’s not treating you right, the sex isn’t good, and he’s changed…so…why are you with him again?”
I hesitated. “I love him.”
Long sip of her white hot chocolate. I decided to take a bite of the brownie. I figured I could bite it like a bullet, and it would absorb the painful shots I knew she was about to throw at me.
“You love him?”
“Yes.”
“How do you know you love him, Sasha?”
I had to think about that one as she stared at me waiting for my answer. I had a feeling that whatever I said would be taken as bull, and not taken seriously.
“When I see him, I feel alive. The first time I saw him I felt it was love at first sight. Every time I see him I feel the same way I did the first time. I can’t go to sleep without hearing his voice, whether it’s for five minutes, or five hours, I just need to hear him. I would kill for him, I would lie for him, and I would die for him. When I hear his voice, I can’t think of anything but him, how much I love him. When I kiss him, my mind is…I have no mind when I kiss him. He takes my mind, and breath away. I’ve given him everything, and will continue to give, until I give him the nothing I have to give. Can you seriously tell me that’s not love?”
“Well, okay Shakespeare.” Alicia leaned back with the same silly smirk she flashes when she knows she has a point coming. “Is this how you used to feel, or do you still feel this way?”
I reluctantly responded. It hurt me as I realized that- “I used to feel this way.”
Things started to piece together, but I didn’t want to believe them. I didn’t want to believe I was out of love, or that all this time was wasted. I knew we could get back right, I just knew it. I wasn’t going to give up the fight. All relationships need work at some point. This was just a phase; things should be back to normal soon, right?
“I want you to review this conversation on your own time, and listen to what you said.” Alicia started to deliver the bad news. I braced myself. “I actually have no other advice for you other than to listen to what you told me tonight. It’ll all make sense when you do it. If you review what you said to me, and feel you still want to be in this relationship, then do you. I wouldn’t advise it, though. Nobody can tell you anything when you feel you’re in love. Trust me, I’ve been though it. Therefore, I’m not going to waste my breath trying to tell you what you should do.”
“You’re telling me I’m not in love?”
“I’m telling you this, Sasha-” She leaned forward and looked deep into my eyes as if to make sure this thought she was about to share wouldn’t go anywhere after she left. “You’re blinded by love.”

By Lucius McCall