Blinded by Pain- Excerpt 2

I let those words rest on my chest as we continued to talk, eat, and drink.
Blinded by love? Could it be true? Does love blind you? It made sense, but I didn’t want to believe it.
She told me about this guy, her fiancée, and the love they shared that made me so jealous. It sounded a lot like how Sean and I began- the complete opposite of how we were now.
There was a lot I didn’t tell Alicia; things that I doubted I would ever tell her because I knew how she was. I kept to myself how he used to slap me occasionally if I ever made him mad. Not for little things, but big things like not calling him back, or raising my voice to him. These were things that I knew better than to do, but I slipped up sometimes. He always held me and told me he loved me after, and I believed him. He wouldn’t hit me if I didn’t make him angry.
I didn’t tell her about how I let him drive my car, and he crashed it into a mailbox. I knew my parents would flip if they ever found out I let anybody drive my car, especially him, so I took the blame and got into so much trouble. I had to pay for the damages and live without a car for months! All because I loved him.
If Alicia ever found out any of this, it would be hunting season. I really didn’t want her getting that involved.
We wrapped it up- the food and the conversation, and hugged. I knew it would be about a month before I saw her again.
“Think about what I said.” Alicia said to me as we walked out to our cars.
“I will, doll.” I was already thinking about it, so she had no reason to fear. These thoughts weren’t going anywhere. They would dwell in my mind until I came up with a conclusion on what to do with the relationship. “Thanks.”
She hopped in her pink beetle and sped off, forcing people walking to Pj’s to stop. She honked her horn and was gone with the wind. She was so funny.
The thoughts followed me to my car.
I had to see him; I had to talk to him.
Something needed to be done- I couldn’t take this pain any longer.
I sat in my car and called him. It rang, and rang.
No answer.
I sat back, started to softly hit my phone against the steering wheel. What was he doing? I haven’t heard from him in three days! He would send little texts asking what I was doing, small talk, then disappear all over again. Was he avoiding me? I called again. It rang, and rang.
No answer.
Forget it. I realized I had no more pride. He took it all away. I gave him all of me, so when he was gone, I felt like I was nothing. Why was he doing this? I couldn’t take it anymore.
I called again.
It rang, and rang, and
-answer!
“Hello?” His voice sent chills through my body. My mouth was open, but nothing could come out. Love? Or blindness?
Of course. I wasn’t blind. I loved him.
And he loved me.
If he didn’t, he wouldn’t have picked up the phone, right?
“Hello?” he repeated.
“Hi, baby.”
“Wassup, Sasha.”
“Nothing,” I paused. How was I going to tell him? What would I say? “I want to see you. We have to talk.”
“About?” he seemed annoyed already. There was an echo in his voice like he was in a bathroom.
“Some things, Sean.” I was now getting annoyed. “Is it a problem that I want to see you?”
“No, no no, Sasha. I want to see you too. I’m out with some friends right now, so after that, I’ll stop by.”
I paused. Something wasn’t right.
“Are you with a girl?” I asked. He was driving me crazy!
“What?” I could tell Sean was pissed by the sound of his voice. I braced myself. “What do you mean am I with a girl? You think I’m cheating? You know what, I don’t have time for this. You’re not going to ruin my night, Sasha. I’ll talk to you later.”
He hung up the phone. I was used to it by then; he was always hanging up the phone on me when he didn’t want to talk. Why did he always get so defensive? Maybe it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have questioned him about something so stupid. I trust him!
Or do I?
I needed to relax, and if I went home I couldn’t do it. Where could I go?
The park? No, too late at night for that. Who knows who’s going to be in there waiting for some hurt girl with no sense to be walking around in the park?
I drove around and thought about where I could go to ease my mind. I was driving for about ten minutes when I saw the China Sing Town, a restaurant that Sean and I used to go to just spend time with each other and eat fried ice cream. I still remember the first time I tried fried ice cream like it was yesterday. He told me his mother used to bring him to this restaurant when he was young, and he loved to get the fried ice cream, nothing else. I was hesitant (come on! Fried ICE CREAM? Is just sounds nasty!), but I knew it would make him happy because it was special to him, so I ordered some. It was weird at first, but it turned out to be delicious. Ever since then, we would always go there to hold hands, make-out, and eat fried ice cream. That was one of the special things he did for me, but didn’t do anymore.
I decided to do it for myself. I was sure I could sit there and think about what I needed to say to him, and how I would say it. Some things just needed to be changed. He couldn’t get mad at that, could he? Not if he wanted to stay with me.
I parked in front of the Chinese restaurant, noticing a few cars surrounding mine. The restaurant was opened late, which I considered a good idea- I mean, it was good to Sean and I. We used to sneak out of the house in the middle of the night and walk there. It took a long time, but the time passed like seconds. That’s what love does to you.
One of the cars I noticed was a black Jeep, much like the one Sean had. Everybody had a Jeep in Georgia, though so I wasn’t stirred. It was a teenage favorite, a great graduation gift from the parents- as Sean got. I had to work for my little 2000 Cavalier I drive around.
I stared at the Jeep. It looked too much like the one Sean had. It was starting to bother me.
‘Leave it alone, Sasha.’ I told myself. ‘Everybody has a Jeep. It isn’t his.’
I knew he wouldn’t bring his boys here anyway. They were probably at somebody’s house drinking and smoking, carrying on, acting stupid- doing things that took away from his time with me. But what if he wasn’t with his boys?
It was something about that Jeep. Why couldn’t I ever go anywhere, nor do anything without thinking about him, or seeing something that reminded me of him?
I turned the car off, got out and started walking to the restaurant, getting nervous every step. Something wasn’t right.
I shouldn’t have walked inside.
To this day I regret it.
I didn’t even get past the door when I saw Sean sitting at a table across from the entrance, passionately kissing some girl. My legs almost gave out.
“May I help you?” The little China-woman hostess asked. I hardly noticed her. I looked past her, focused on the table on the other side of the restaurant, where my heart lay getting crushed.
I blinked my eyes to be sure it was him. It couldn’t be him.
It was him.
He was sitting there, kissing some girl- some light skinned bitch with long straight brown hair. They were eating each other’s faces, their fried ice cream in front of them melting.
That’s what really hurt me. Of all the things he could have gotten, he got the fried ice cream- the thing that he ate with his mother; the treat that he shared with me. Just wasting, melting away like my heart.
Pouring down the side of the cup like my tears.
If I knew every word in the dictionary and thesaurus I couldn’t even use those words to express how I felt.
I felt crushed. I felt like nothing. I gave him all of me and he threw it away. I was heart broken. My heart was actually so broken that I felt the physical pain. I felt weak. He was my supply of strength, and now it was all gone. I was so weak I couldn’t hold back the sobs, or the tears. So weak I couldn’t even walk over there. So weak I couldn’t even talk. I wanted to pull my eyes away but I couldn’t. I wanted to stop looking SO BAD, but I was too weak to look away. It was my punishment for being so weak, so blind. I had to sit there and witness the man I loved, making out and flirting with some girl. She must have tasted good, because they weren’t even stopping for air. He didn’t even kiss me that way! It seemed like they were so happy. I was sick to my stomach.
Why couldn’t I make him happy? Was I not good enough for him?
“Ma’am, would you like a seat? Is something wrong?” the hostess broke me out of my trance. One day I would thank her. Right now, I had to get out.
I turned and walked out of the restaurant.
I couldn’t even see straight. I saw my car, I saw his car, and I saw the floor. I fell to the floor as my legs gave out. It was like a pulsing pain, from bad to worse, to worst. I couldn’t let this knock me down though; he wasn’t going to have me dragging my body across the parking lot. I had to get up.
I stood up slowly and walked to my car, trying not to see his Jeep- the Jeep that couldn’t be his. This wasn’t real, it was all a dream- a nightmare. I got into my car, turned it on, and let the engine run. I couldn’t believe this. I had to leave. I pulled out of the driveway like a madwoman. As I neared the exit, I realized that my mother was right. My other friends were right. Alicia was right. I was blind. I was stumped. Love had me tripping.
And now what? Love has me crying, moping, sobbing- going crazy in my car. Why?
The sadness all of a sudden turned to anger.
Was I really going to let this nigga get away with this shit?
I couldn’t.
Monica’s ‘So gone’ video appeared in my head as I reversed my car. I wasn’t going to let him get away with this. I parked my car right next to his, and walked over to the restaurant. They kept big stones in front of the restaurant as ‘decoration’. I, on the other hand, was going to give Sean one as a present.
I picked up a nice sized stone and walked over to the jeep. I held the rock high over my head, and thought about the times we shared in his car. We drove places, we blasted music, we talked, fell asleep… He was so happy when he got the Jeep. I knew how much it would anger him if he came outside after his perfect night with this girl and discovered his Jeep had been busted into.
I held the stone up higher, and remembered how he called me when he got the Jeep. I was the first person he called, and he was so excited. We were both excited at the fact that I wouldn’t have to be driving him around everywhere anymore. He could actually pick me up- drive his own car!
I let the stone drop to the ground. I couldn’t do it. I loved him, and even though he hurt me, I couldn’t hurt him. I hopped into my car and sped off into the night, the tears flowing, wetting my shirt. What was I going to do?

By Lucius McCall